Tying up loose ends

I didn't get round to it soon. I apologise profusely to all of you out there who love a good birth story.

Over the past year I've thought about updating this blog and not got round to it. There was just too much to catch up on. But, I feel I need to fill in at least some of the gaps. This blog was always about stitches and dead babies and it was for the women out there who were and are dealing with those issues. It would be incomplete of me not to tell you some of the things that relate to that.

So, the normal bits first: Elwood is a lovely, happy boy and a good sleeper (hurrah!). He's funny, he's adaptable, he's cuddly. Motherhood has been by turns joyous, frustrating, grinding, exhilarating, fun. There are times when I've wanted to go back to my old life. There are other times when I wouldn't swap it for the world. Isn't that how it's meant to be?

I didn't suffer from PND. I was lucky, I expected to. I had my placenta encapsulated and ate most of it in the first couple of months. I've no idea whether that was the reason or the fact that a few good friends said the right things at the right time. Or the fact that M was around a lot so I never had interminably days at home. Or... it could be anything. I had all the newborn difficulties but I did OK and even enjoyed it at times.

As the months passed, it kind of got harder and I realised that I hadn't really dealt with the birth experience. I took a look at what happened and I realised it was massive. Three operations in under two weeks, two weeks in hospital, Elwood nearly not making it. I realised I had to shed some tears and did that the best way I know how - by going back to yoga and releasing that stuff. Let's just say that now, I'm over it.

So, what actually happened? If you remember, my shirodkar stitch is stuck in there and so I'm booked for an elective CS. I'm going to do this in points:

- We went for our CS on Monday 8th Feb. The surgeon (a different one than the one who placed and failed to remove the stitch) suggested having another go at getting the stitch out. I say OK but if you can't get it after 5 minutes, just do the CS. I have a spinal block.

- On the table, she says she can cut the stitch but the tension in it is so strong that it will then retreat into my cervix which is already at 1cm. The stitch will remain in the cervix but I can try for a normal birth.

- Since the stitch will be in the cervix, I am at risk for it ripping through the cervix so I will have to come into hospital for labour. Boo! I'm booked for a home birth.

- We tell her to go ahead. No CS after all!

- My consultant comes to see me as the spinal is wearing off. He agrees to let me try a home birth but with a low threshold - i.e. the first sign of trouble and I'm in the hospital. We're fine with that.

- We go home, still pregnant with the stitch snipped but still in. We organise a birthing pool.

- Thursday 11th Feb I'm at home alone, M is at work, sitting on the computer. My waters go. That is one strange feeling! Like a big pressure release or something. Feel odd but manage to ring M and he rings the midwife.

- M comes home and fills the birthing pool. Contractions begin like mildish period pains. As the afternoon turns into evening I'm definitely in labour but it's early labour.

- Around 8pm I speak to a midwife on the phone who listens to a contraction and times it. She thinks there's no need for anyone to come out yet and unless things ramp up during the night I should just try and rest.

- I try and eat some pasta but the most I can really get down are fresh juices of beetroot and carrot.

- M and I sit in the birthing pool with glasses of wine, candles and dub reggae on the stereo.

- We go to bed. I'm popping paracetamol. M sleeps on the sofa as I'm on my knees having contractions in between trying to sleep.

- In the morning, the midwife comes round to find me back in the pool, she suggests getting out to help speed things up. I love it in that pool! She says she'll return at midday and do a check.

- By midday things are picking up. The midwife arrives and pronounces me 4cm. She sees something else and wants Ruth, a really experienced midwife to come and look. They ask me to put on a pad.

- Ruth turns up as M is putting hot towels on my back during contractions. They look at the pad. There is meconium. It's light but it's there.

- Ruth was the midwife at Harvey's birth. She delivered him alive. It's wonderful to see her and hear her reassuring voice. She tells me I'm going to have to go in to hospital to be on the safe side.

- I get dressed inbetween contractions and an ambulance arrives. In it I have to lie down and be strapped in. It's hell! It's a short journey but is horrifically uncomfortable. As is the stretcher to the labour ward. Not being able to move the way you need to during a contraction is torture!

- I have a private room with a bathroom. They put a monitor on me to keep track of the baby's heart. He's having decelerations but they seem to stabalise. They give me one of the monitor's that's not attached to the bed so I can move about. I go in the bathroom.

- The decelerations start again as I'm just getting to grips with the contractions. The whole thing feels like it's getting out of control. I try some gas and air and ask for an epidural, I know where this is going.

- Once the epidural is in, I'm happier obviously because I don't have to deal with contractions in a hospital environment (so much harder than at home!) but attention turns to how to give birth. We do a bit of practice pushing.

- They are worried about the decelerations and want to take a blood sample from the baby's head to check his oxygen levels. If they're low, it means the cord could be compressed and he'll need to come out then and there.

- The oxygen levels are OK. The decelerations seem to stabalise when I'm in a different position, so we try that for a while.

- I'm at 10cm and they are trying to get the baby's head through the cervix. I'm told to push while they push on a lip of cervix that won't budge. We try this for ages.

- The lip won't budge. It's scar tissue.

- A CS is now the only option. I'm into theatre (again!)

- Luckily I've already had the epidural so it's easy enough to get prepped. Before long they're slicing me open and with some pulling and tugging out comes E. "Let it Be" is playing on the radio. M tells me later that he saw the surgeon get on the operating table and brace herself to pull him out!

- He doesn't cry. Things go a bit mental. A midwife comes over and tells us that he's been whisked away as he wouldn't breathe but to try not to worry as babies have 15 minutes after the cord is cut before they need to breathe oxygen in the air.

- We are terrified. We think we may have lost another one.

- The surgeon explains that she needs to remove my uterus and do some other stuff before she can sew me up. Later I find out that the whole place was swimming in meconium. I ask to be knocked out. I can't handle being conscious for any more bodily manipulation.

- When I come round, my mum and stepdad are there. E is in an incubator, they bring me a picture. M looks shattered, everyone is worried. The surgeon found the stitch floating in my abdomen, the cervix didn't rip.

- M and I spend the night in a private room. It's the next afternoon before I meet my baby.

- At first he's on a ventilator but soon he can breathe on his own. They think that he may have a massive infection though, possibly meningitis.

- He's in an incubator for about 24 hours and then the special care unit for a further 3 days or so while we establish breastfeeding. I manage to fluke a private room in the postnatal ward due to a mix up with my notes from Harvey's birth - they think I'm still an MRSA risk - every cloud and all that!

- Finally he is down with me and things start to normalise. Only problem is, he has to have intravenous antibiotics (just in case) for 2 weeks. After 1 week they want to discharge me from postnatal so the two of us get moved to the children's ward where I have a hellish week and cause so much trouble that they let us out early and get a community nurse to finish the drugs at home. I won't go into details but let's just say "protocol" and "what's best for my baby" don't always match!

- Two weeks after his birth we have finished the drugs and are home and dry. We begin the process of recovery.


So, was it the right decision, to go for a natural birth? In retrospect, maybe not BUT at least I now know that my cervix has enough scar tissue on it that it cannot stretch enough for a full term baby's head. This means I'm unlikely to try for a VBAC in the future. It means a lot of my questions are answered and I'll never wonder "what if". At least when it comes to birth methods. It wasn't worth putting Elwood through all that just to try a natural birth but at the time we didn't know how it would turn out, my consultant told me he didn't think scar tissue would be an issue. Now, we are more informed.

There's a post-script to this story, I'll try and post it soon.