Stitched Up - for the second time

Tying up loose ends

2011-03-10T12:33:00.000-08:00

I didn't get round to it soon. I apologise profusely to all of you out there who love a good birth story.

Over the past year I've thought about updating this blog and not got round to it. There was just too much to catch up on. But, I feel I need to fill in at least some of the gaps. This blog was always about stitches and dead babies and it was for the women out there who were and are dealing with those issues. It would be incomplete of me not to tell you some of the things that relate to that.

So, the normal bits first: Elwood is a lovely, happy boy and a good sleeper (hurrah!). He's funny, he's adaptable, he's cuddly. Motherhood has been by turns joyous, frustrating, grinding, exhilarating, fun. There are times when I've wanted to go back to my old life. There are other times when I wouldn't swap it for the world. Isn't that how it's meant to be?

I didn't suffer from PND. I was lucky, I expected to. I had my placenta encapsulated and ate most of it in the first couple of months. I've no idea whether that was the reason or the fact that a few good friends said the right things at the right time. Or the fact that M was around a lot so I never had interminably days at home. Or... it could be anything. I had all the newborn difficulties but I did OK and even enjoyed it at times.

As the months passed, it kind of got harder and I realised that I hadn't really dealt with the birth experience. I took a look at what happened and I realised it was massive. Three operations in under two weeks, two weeks in hospital, Elwood nearly not making it. I realised I had to shed some tears and did that the best way I know how - by going back to yoga and releasing that stuff. Let's just say that now, I'm over it.

So, what actually happened? If you remember, my shirodkar stitch is stuck in there and so I'm booked for an elective CS. I'm going to do this in points:

- We went for our CS on Monday 8th Feb. The surgeon (a different one than the one who placed and failed to remove the stitch) suggested having another go at getting the stitch out. I say OK but if you can't get it after 5 minutes, just do the CS. I have a spinal block.

- On the table, she says she can cut the stitch but the tension in it is so strong that it will then retreat into my cervix which is already at 1cm. The stitch will remain in the cervix but I can try for a normal birth.

- Since the stitch will be in the cervix, I am at risk for it ripping through the cervix so I will have to come into hospital for labour. Boo! I'm booked for a home birth.

- We tell her to go ahead. No CS after all!

- My consultant comes to see me as the spinal is wearing off. He agrees to let me try a home birth but with a low threshold - i.e. the first sign of trouble and I'm in the hospital. We're fine with that.

- We go home, still pregnant with the stitch snipped but still in. We organise a birthing pool.

- Thursday 11th Feb I'm at home alone, M is at work, sitting on the computer. My waters go. That is one strange feeling! Like a big pressure release or something. Feel odd but manage to ring M and he rings the midwife.

- M comes home and fills the birthing pool. Contractions begin like mildish period pains. As the afternoon turns into evening I'm definitely in labour but it's early labour.

- Around 8pm I speak to a midwife on the phone who listens to a contraction and times it. She thinks there's no need for anyone to come out yet and unless things ramp up during the night I should just try and rest.

- I try and eat some pasta but the most I can really get down are fresh juices of beetroot and carrot.

- M and I sit in the birthing pool with glasses of wine, candles and dub reggae on the stereo.

- We go to bed. I'm popping paracetamol. M sleeps on the sofa as I'm on my knees having contractions in between trying to sleep.

- In the morning, the midwife comes round to find me back in the pool, she suggests getting out to help speed things up. I love it in that pool! She says she'll return at midday and do a check.

- By midday things are picking up. The midwife arrives and pronounces me 4cm. She sees something else and wants Ruth, a really experienced midwife to come and look. They ask me to put on a pad.

- Ruth turns up as M is putting hot towels on my back during contractions. They look at the pad. There is meconium. It's light but it's there.

- Ruth was the midwife at Harvey's birth. She delivered him alive. It's wonderful to see her and hear her reassuring voice. She tells me I'm going to have to go in to hospital to be on the safe side.

- I get dressed inbetween contractions and an ambulance arrives. In it I have to lie down and be strapped in. It's hell! It's a short journey but is horrifically uncomfortable. As is the stretcher to the labour ward. Not being able to move the way you need to during a contraction is torture!

- I have a private room with a bathroom. They put a monitor on me to keep track of the baby's heart. He's having decelerations but they seem to stabalise. They give me one of the monitor's that's not attached to the bed so I can move about. I go in the bathroom.

- The decelerations start again as I'm just getting to grips with the contractions. The whole thing feels like it's getting out of control. I try some gas and air and ask for an epidural, I know where this is going.

- Once the epidural is in, I'm happier obviously because I don't have to deal with contractions in a hospital environment (so much harder than at home!) but attention turns to how to give birth. We do a bit of practice pushing.

- They are worried about the decelerations and want to take a blood sample from the baby's head to check his oxygen levels. If they're low, it means the cord could be compressed and he'll need to come out then and there.

- The oxygen levels are OK. The decelerations seem to stabalise when I'm in a different position, so we try that for a while.

- I'm at 10cm and they are trying to get the baby's head through the cervix. I'm told to push while they push on a lip of cervix that won't budge. We try this for ages.

- The lip won't budge. It's scar tissue.

- A CS is now the only option. I'm into theatre (again!)

- Luckily I've already had the epidural so it's easy enough to get prepped. Before long they're slicing me open and with some pulling and tugging out comes E. "Let it Be" is playing on the radio. M tells me later that he saw the surgeon get on the operating table and brace herself to pull him out!

- He doesn't cry. Things go a bit mental. A midwife comes over and tells us that he's been whisked away as he wouldn't breathe but to try not to worry as babies have 15 minutes after the cord is cut before they need to breathe oxygen in the air.

- We are terrified. We think we may have lost another one.

- The surgeon explains that she needs to remove my uterus and do some other stuff before she can sew me up. Later I find out that the whole place was swimming in meconium. I ask to be knocked out. I can't handle being conscious for any more bodily manipulation.

- When I come round, my mum and stepdad are there. E is in an incubator, they bring me a picture. M looks shattered, everyone is worried. The surgeon found the stitch floating in my abdomen, the cervix didn't rip.

- M and I spend the night in a private room. It's the next afternoon before I meet my baby.

- At first he's on a ventilator but soon he can breathe on his own. They think that he may have a massive infection though, possibly meningitis.

- He's in an incubator for about 24 hours and then the special care unit for a further 3 days or so while we establish breastfeeding. I manage to fluke a private room in the postnatal ward due to a mix up with my notes from Harvey's birth - they think I'm still an MRSA risk - every cloud and all that!

- Finally he is down with me and things start to normalise. Only problem is, he has to have intravenous antibiotics (just in case) for 2 weeks. After 1 week they want to discharge me from postnatal so the two of us get moved to the children's ward where I have a hellish week and cause so much trouble that they let us out early and get a community nurse to finish the drugs at home. I won't go into details but let's just say "protocol" and "what's best for my baby" don't always match!

- Two weeks after his birth we have finished the drugs and are home and dry. We begin the process of recovery.

So, was it the right decision, to go for a natural birth? In retrospect, maybe not BUT at least I now know that my cervix has enough scar tissue on it that it cannot stretch enough for a full term baby's head. This means I'm unlikely to try for a VBAC in the future. It means a lot of my questions are answered and I'll never wonder "what if". At least when it comes to birth methods. It wasn't worth putting Elwood through all that just to try a natural birth but at the time we didn't know how it would turn out, my consultant told me he didn't think scar tissue would be an issue. Now, we are more informed.

There's a post-script to this story, I'll try and post it soon.

He's here

2010-02-22T01:51:00.001-08:00

There's a lot to tell you since my last post, not least the birth of my son! I'll get round to posting it all soon but for now, meet Elwood:

Two days to go!

2010-02-06T07:59:00.000-08:00

Caesarean is booked for Monday. M and I are buzzing about the house prepping, it's weird to think that when I walk out the front door on Monday morning, I'll be coming back with a baby. We have put up the cot, put the sheets on and done the lighting. We've tested whether I can get out of bed with the cot beside it (I can). We've packed the bag. We're ready - kind of.

Wednesday was my consultant appointment. He urged me to think "very carefully" about whether or not to remove the stitch as it would be a shame if a new stitch did not work. He's right of course but I'm still not sure. I suppose we'll see how this operation goes and what the recovery's like.

I'm also on antibiotics. I was wondering why I didn't feel as if I was recovering from the attempted stitch removal and suspected I had an infection - I did. Three days of taking the pills and I finally feel I'm getting over it. Just in time for another op!

I've been having lots of braxton hicks and some minor contractions. I'm increasingly vacant by the hour. I think this baby is close to being born - Monday doesn't feel too early and I wouldn't be surprised if I went into labour before then to be honest. I've been slightly excited occasionally, mostly if I talk to someone like my brother. Mostly I'm vacant and reasonably calm.

We're just hoping the CS goes OK. No more medical dramas would be really, really nice.

Unexpected turn of events - very disappointed

2010-01-31T04:34:00.001-08:00

Well, no one was expecting this outcome, least of all me.

The day of the stitch removal went smoothly, we were told to turn up around 11am and by 12 we were in a room and beginning to be prepped and discussing anaesthetics. I decided to go for a local + sedation over a spinal block as the recovery is quicker, it effects the baby less and I'd been advised by my consultant it was the way to go if you could handle it.

I was in the theatre about 2pm and the op began. I was out of it of course - hurrah for the wonderful anaesthetist! Pain was mild and when it did start to increase I just groaned a bit and along he came with his syringe and gave me another blast. At some stage my conscious mind did start to register that it was taking a long time. Then tears started to come out of my eyes and I wasn't sure why. Not long after this, the operation was stopped. It had failed. The stitch has risen high in my body during the pregnancy and the surgeon couldn't reach it. I had been on the operating table for over two hours.

The choice of anaesthetic meant I was alert and conscious very quickly, within minutes I felt completely together. M was waiting in the recovery room when I got there, the surgeon had already talked to him. Because of the failure of the op, I now have no choice but to deliver by elective C-section.

I am hugely disappointed and very upset by the whole thing. I feel like I've been inadvertently pushed into a TAC/permanent shirodkar situation I never chose. The surgeon who attempted removal also placed the stitch and he admitted to M that he'd placed it very high. On the other hand, here I am at 38 weeks and my baby is hopefully going to be fine - a couple of years ago I was doubting I'd ever get this far.

So, where are we now 3 days later? We are coming to terms with the loss of our home birth - I am no longer doing perineal massage or practising labour breath and hip movements. Instead I'm reading up on herbal help with recovering from caesarean. Our home birth midwives have been very supportive and hopefully will be there with me in the theatre on the day. I am still going to go ahead with some of the things I was intending to do at home and they are supportive of this and will help me achieve them if they can.

I am having to consider a possible next pregnancy already as there is a question of whether or not to leave the stitch in or take it out during the caesarean. Here are the issues:

Leave Stitch In
- Foreign body inside until next pregnancy which could be a couple of years off (or never!) I'm not keen on this.
- But... this stitch has definitely worked and presumably I could be relatively confident that it would work again which could mean I have less stress about IC in a subsequent pregnancy, less scans etc etc.
- But... leaving it in would mean I cut off my birth choices and would have to go for a second caesarean. It would be unlikely I'd be able to be with my lovely home birth midwives.
- But...if M and I move away from this area, which we have been talking about, we would have a fairly clear route for pregnancy and would not have to take chances with the doctors in another part of the country to put a new stitch in or fight to get referred to London.

Remove Stitch
- I would start another pregnancy with a "clean slate". My body could recover naturally and completely without a foreign body being present. After all, it was never intended that this stitch would be permanent.
- If I got pregnant again, a new stitch would need to placed, with all the associated hassle that this involves. But, I've done this before and feel like I've got a good idea of what needs to happen to make it a success.
- Unless lightening struck twice, another stitch would be removed and I'd have the option of a VBAC. My home birth midwives have told me that they would have no problem supporting me in a VBAC at home - the criteria to transfer to hospital would just be more strict.
- I would have a shot at the birth I wanted (no guarantees obviously).

So, here I am, a week before my baby will be born, looking into issues around VBAC! Next steps are an appointment with my consultant on Wednesday to go over all this. He has suggested on email that it might be better to wait to remove the stitch until after the pregnancy and caesarean recovery. Presumably once the uterus has returned to its normal size, the stitch will drop back down and removal will be a simpler matter. Possibly this will be a good route as I could then assess how I get on with elective CS procedure and recovery and whether I'd want to do it again or whether I definitely want a shot at the vaginal birth.

Of course, all this might be a moot point - I am 40 in May and caesareans are not good for fertility!

So, lots to think about. CS might be Feb 8th but this will be confirmed on Wednesday. Will keep you informed.

Stitch out tomorrow!

2010-01-27T11:52:00.001-08:00

Apologies for the lack of communication - once I got to 24 weeks or so, I started to feel much more confident and that sense grew everyday. I kind of went back to normal life or a normal pregnant person's life anyway. All my complaints were ones that a normal pregnant woman had. I was also very busy at work.

I've been on holiday now for 3 weeks and my maternity leave starts on Monday - 10 days before my due date.

We are prepared for the baby arriving, I've been to yoga birth rehearsals and breastfeeding classes, my mother is driving me mad - all quite normal pregnant stuff.

I saw a cranial osteopath for the SPD. She asked me if I was "excited". I said that the feelings of excitement were few and far between and when they did arise, fleeting. It's the first time I considered that this might be because of losing my first child. It's difficult to get excited about something that you're not certain is actually going to happen I guess.

My mother is beyond excited in a new realm of full-on new grandmother to be over doing it. Mind you, she was trying to get me along to baby sales around the 20 week mark - at that stage I told her to hold back and now finally she's getting to let rip a bit, she can't see a shop without buying something. It's doing my head in a bit, she doesn't really understand why I'm not joining her in the fun. We also have very different ideas about how life with small babies should be, which isn't helping. She's offered to:

- come and stay for 2 weeks after the birth. Although I'm sure we'll want some help I think 2 full weeks in our small house is pushing it and frankly, I'm not sure I could handle it, let alone poor M. Also, what about M's parents? They need a look-in as well. I've said we'll "play it by ear" and call on her if needed.

- buy me a load of bottles etc even though I've repeatedly told her I'm going to have my best shot at breastfeeding. She didn't breastfeed, so I'm sure would prefer it if I was following a method she was knowledgable in. She's settled on three bottles and a steriliser - shoot me, I know I'm being ungrateful.

- attend the birth itself because "some people want their Mums there" - perhaps when they're in their early 20s Mum! Less likely when they're pushing 40. We're also having a home birth, something she knows nothing about, along with natural childbirth, water birth etc etc etc. I had to gently let her down on that one and I could tell she was a little put out.

I'm just getting tired of having to explain myself at every turn and justify my decisions for buying things or doing things a certain way. I'm also sad that I have to let her down so much but we are just so different and the lack of common ground is coming into sharp focus now. I've decided to enlist my brother, who was present at Harvey's birth and has been nothing but his usual casual good-natured self throughout the whole 9 months. I'll have a chat to him and fill him in on the problem and then once labour has begun M and him can be gatekeepers and keep the over-enthusiastic grandmother at bay and I'll try not to think about it!

But, first things first. Stitch out tomorrow. We ring the labour ward at 7am and get told what time to go in. I have to take the pills tonight incase I have a spinal. I'm hoping not to have a spinal but to bear it under a local. I don't really fancy sitting around for 6 hours waiting for my legs to come back and you know how much I hate the things anyway. With any luck, it will be a breeze and over before I know it.

We pack the hospital bag tonight. I'll let you know how it goes.

22 + 4 - a milestone passed

2009-10-13T03:04:00.000-07:00

Last Friday I was 22 weeks which was the day I lost Harvey. I'm really, really pleased to have passed this milestone, the lead up to it was not easy. Lots of returning memories, some of which I don't think I've had since the event itself. Lots of strong emotion and feeling confused.

As is often the case (compare with lead up to and then day itself of milestone birthdays) the actual day wasn't too bad. I was very tired as I'd been up for two nights with hip pain so kind of bumbled through the working day as best I could. Instead of going to a Super Furry Animals gig with M, I opted to go for a Flotation Tank session after work.

If you've never done a float, I recommend it if you're feeling run down. Just an hour is a real re-charge of the batteries and gets rid of any aches and pains.

Came out, went home, ate, went to bed and slept a full nights sleep with no pain. Bliss.

The next night, the pain was back. I think I've tracked it down to the squashy chair I sit in in the living room, so we've moved down the straight-backed granny chair from upstairs and I now sit in that to watch the TV. So far so good.

Yesterday was the anomoly scan at the hospital. As usual there were c*ck-ups. We waited an hour and a half to go in as they "lost my file and didn't think I'd turned up". The two men doing the scanning were like a comedy duo - one of them was learning and was doing photos of anything and everything. Then the consultant came in to look at him scan and check he was doing it right and the poor guy was told off for all the photos - "£30,000 a year we spend on photo paper in this hospital!" We were in there for an hour at least. Results are that the baby is on track for all measurements. Cervix length is also back up to 2cm and closed - hurrah! The stitch is doing its job and supporting the pregnancy.

I'm feeling tentatively more confident so I think I'm going to take up the yoga again. At this stage of the pregnancy, I think it's a good idea and I reckon I've got enough of a handle on what stability feels like to be able to assess how my body reacts to some practise. This means returnng to 6am starts, now that the mornings are dark and cold, not so inviting. Still, good practise I guess.

P.S. Coggy?

2009-09-26T08:18:00.000-07:00

Coggy, if you're reading this, your blogs have suddenly gone private to me and I've no way to contact you. Not sure if this is intentional or not but have a feeling it's something to do with blogger changing the email address I log in as. If you want to stay private - I understand but will miss your posts. If this is a technical glitch, can you add me under illuminasam at gmail dot com?

Thanks!

Still pregnant but having a bad day

2009-09-26T07:39:00.000-07:00

Here I am at 20+1 and frankly, I'm feeling confused.

Things, as in *life*, are back to normal. I'm 3 weeks post-stitch operation and feel very well and recovered. Last week the dissolvable stitches they put in to seal the incision came out, so I'm fairly confident that the wound has healed well. I don't seem to be attracting any infections or have any abnormal discharge.

M and I were on holiday for a few days in Devon last week and with that and doctor/midwife appointments, I'd barely been in to the office all month. Getting back into the swing of things at work was in some ways great: I enjoy my job and like the people I work with and it was kind of fun to think about something else other than my cervix.

On the other hand, as I'm not going to yoga in the mornings, I am driving straight from home to work. Now that the schools are back, travelling between 8am and 9am means hitting heavy traffic all the way so I don't tend to leave until after 9 when the roads are quieter. But this means I can't leave work until after 6pm when the way home is more busy!

I live on the opposite side of London to my office and it's lucky I like my job so much otherwise I'd have chucked in the towel long ago. The only way I've found to make the travel bearable is to go to yoga in the mornings. It just so happens that if I leave home around 6-6.30am to go to my yoga class, I speed there through London streets with no cars on them. When I finish my practise at around 9am, the position of the yoga centre in relation to my office means I am travelling against the traffic flow and I am at the office in 15 minutes. I'm in to work early and can therefore leave early and miss the heavy traffic on the way home. It all works out perfectly basically, I'm rarely stressed in the car sitting in heavy traffic and I get to do yoga every morning as well.

Not so any longer. Even though the doctors have all said continuing yoga is fine for me, absolutely everyone else (and by this I generally mean ladies on IC message boards) have advised me not to do it. I don't want to take any risks so I'm erring on the side of caution but doing this means I'm just exchanging one problem for another - now I'm stressed in heavy traffic for two hours a day!

Oh, and did I mention that I'm suffering from backache and hip pain? Yes, any sort of activity brings it on. I know that if I was practising yoga I wouldn't be suffering to the same extent.

I know it's not for long and by christmas I'll be finishing work and none of this will mean anything but frankly right now I'm fed up. It's like the two things that make me feel really good - yoga and gardening - are the two that I can't do now I'm in the 2nd tri with a stitch put in. We just went up to the allotment and I see the weeds everywhere and the things that need doing and I can't do any of it. M helps me out by watering and weeding but he's not as keen a gardener as I am so doesn't want to spend too much time there. I used to spend hours every Saturday growing all my vegetables and although we're really reaping the rewards of that now - we've barely bought anything from the shops for weeks - all I can think of is what needs to be done before the winter and how I can't do any of it.

I've spent most of today in tears. I can't work out if it's because I've hit 20 weeks and 20 weeks is when the PROM started last time. Or is it that the restrictions are getting to me? Seeing M bobbing about like normal is hard too - I'm partly jealous and partly embarrased to have to ask so much of him all the time.

20 weeks was always a big looming spectre, right from the start. My big milestone now is 22 weeks - on October 12th I will be 20+3 and on that day I will have (fingers crossed!) my 2nd trimester ultrasound like every pregnant woman has. They can look at the length of my cervix then too. On that day I will be more pregnant than I've ever been and only two weeks away from viability.

In the meantime, what to do to stay sane? I'm going to go to an antenatal yoga class tomorrow held by a woman who does very gentle yoga classes. I'm just going to give it a try, see what happens. I've got to do something that's for sure, otherwise I'm going to kill M before long.

I know I should be thankful I'm even at this stage. I've had a second chance and didn't have to do IVF to get it. I know lots of people would give their right arm to be where I am. I'm ashamed to be be complaining really but I guess I just need to let off steam. Steam that usually comes out during yoga practise!

Part 4 - Recovery

2009-09-08T01:52:00.000-07:00

If anyone reading this is about to have a Shirodkar stitch for the first time and is wondering about the recovery, here's my experience:

General anesthetic
I don't react badly to these at all. To me it feels like a nice deep snooze and I felt lively and back to normal within a couple of hours of waking up. Over the next few days I had normal nights sleep. I possibly slept longer than usual but not by much. I had plenty of time to rest and no other responsibilities to attend to so this might have helped. I know some people react badly to generals though.

Friday - op day
The op was in the morning. Dull pain started to appear around midday. I then had a long car journey which was extremely uncomfortable, particularly going over bumps in the road! By the time I got home I was begging for pain killers and took 2 x 500g paracetomol and promptly fell asleep for an hour. I took another lot before I went to bed. The evening of this day was the worst for pain - the pain killers did help but they didn't get rid of it completely. Pain was aching in the back, crampy feelings and sharp feelings around the stitch. It also hurt to pass urine a bit. I was best when I sat still, moving around hurt. The pain felt quite draining. There was some bleeding but not much. I slept fine with pain killers.

Saturday
I woke up early in pain and took pain killers immediately. I took them as much as I was allowed throughout the day. I did notice that the pain was considerably less than the day before - not nearly so excrutiating - but it was still there. Getting up and down from seats was especially bad. In the evening I suddenly had lots of bad cramps and backache and felt quite scared. In the loo I passed two small pieces of tissue and had some mucus discharge. I got into bed, drank water, took a pain killer and took my progesterone and fell asleep.

Sunday
I was worried from the night before but in fact woke up feeling relatively pain free. Getting up and down was still a bit achey but it was a vast improvement on the day before. I didn't take any pain killers till the evening. No more discharge, minimal spotting.

Monday
No pain killers all day. Pain is pretty much gone. However, it is not that comfortable to sit at a desk for long periods, sometimes I feel I would like to put my feet up.

Now -I feel recovered but I certainly don't feel like rushing around or doing anything physical. It feels like I should continue to take it easy, which is exactly what I'm going to do by working from home all week!

Part 3 - the op

2009-09-06T05:26:00.000-07:00

After M left, I had a reasonable night. The emergency alarm (loud) does go off an awful lot in the labour ward though which is perhaps not surprising but disconcerting nonetheless.

The next morning I am up around 7am and on the laptop seeing if they have wireless access at the hospital - they do! This is excellent news as even though I love reading books, it is nice to be able to get online as well.

Things move fast and it's not long before I am being prepped for theatre. Back on with the lovely embellism stockings. The anethetist comes to discuss options. I say that as long as there's no risk to the baby I want a general. He says there is no risk but even so advises a spinal. I tell him that I didn't react well to this last time and had a panic attack and particularly since I was on my own today, I wanted to be out for the op. If M had been there, it might have been different. Happily he could kind of see my point and agrees to the general - hurrah.

Then, a blow. A doctor I have never seen before comes in and tells me she will be doing the stitch. I question her - the lovely consultant I had seen the night before assured me it would be him and he would come in this morning specially to do it. She tells me he's not available. I tell her it's not acceptable and I don't feel comfortable with the situation.

I didn't feel like a nice person at this point. Who am I to question her surgical skills? However, it's all about peace of mind and when it comes to pregnancy, asking for and getting what you want to achieve that peace of mind. I've learnt this the hard way. The thing is that the stitch was meant to go in the day before and my consultant had said that the team that work on that day was excellent and highly experienced. I wanted that team. Moreover, I had met the guy and liked him a lot, I felt confident with him.

She left saying she would see what she could do but I didn't hold out much hope. By the time I am in the theatre, in the gown and the silly hat and being dealt with by the anesthetist, I'm feeling pretty anxious and stressed. Who will do my stitch? Will it work? Then, I look over at the door, there is my guy waving at me with a reassuring smile and a coffee in his hand. He's clearly just arrived in the nick of time! I have that peace of mind now and I enter the strange world of general anesthesia feeling a lot more confident.

When I come round the first thing I say is "Where's M?" I hear "M's not here." My brain then clearly kicks into gear as the second thing I say is "Did the membranes rupture?" "No" they say. Relief. I fall back to sleep.

An hour later I am fully awake and fine and chatting with lovely nurse Florence (from Sri Lanka). If it wasn't for the fact that I am tied to a blood pressure machine and heart monitors I would be up and about. Hurrah for the general anesthetic. All I have to do is go for a wee, have some lunch and then I can be discharged. By 1pm, 4 hours after the op, I am ready to go home. Since Mum gets lost on the way to the hospital I don't actually end up leaving till 3pm though - by this time I am sure they were happy to see the back of me!

Final part next: recovery.

Part 2 - fury in the labour ward

2009-09-05T04:48:00.000-07:00

I think when we left off we were waiting for a single room to become available in the ward due to being suspected of MRSA infection.

Well, we waited, and we waited and it was about 4pm in the afternoon when we were finally called. We'd been in that waiting room since 9.30am. What a relief to get into our private room with ensuite bathroom away from the noise and bustle of the waiting room! First off, I have swabs taken to check for MRSA (no results yet). Then I'm told to have a bath with the special antiseptic soap. What a bonus! After all day waiting - with not a thing to eat or drink - having a warm bath was absolute bliss!

I am just out the bath and dressed in the gown and embellism stockings (so flattering - not!) when the midwife appears with this devastating news: no suture today, the anesthesia team knocks off at 5pm and there is an emergency ceasarean just in. They want me to stay the night in the hospital so I don't lose my queue place and have the op first thing in the morning.

We are furious! M is meant to be leaving to drive to Ireland that evening. We've already postponed by 24 hours so he could be with me for the op. My mother, who is always excellent back-up in these situations, has to work the next day. We are faced with the option of M cancelling his trip and hence the entire gig which costs not just him but the rest of his band lots of money or my mother having to cancel work.

I am in an enraged state. No food or water for 22 hours and then this! M is on the point of cancelling when Mum rings to say she has rung her office and made her excuses. She is available the next day to pick me up after the op.

Once we've agreed everything and I've eaten a sandwich, life looks a lot rosier. We discuss everything with the surgeon who is a nice guy and reassures me that he will come in specially to do the op the next day. He says there's not much point M being there anyway as I will be having a general anesthetic and then just recovering. We feel a lot happier and M pops home to get me an overnight bag and another sandwich before he sets off for Angelsey and the crossing to Dublin.

Next: The op itself.

Stiched up for the second time - Part 1

2009-09-03T23:47:00.000-07:00

Wednesday's length check showed a drop to 1cm. So 50% of the cervix lost in 1 week. Luckily Wednesday was the day of my consultant's clinic so we were in there like a shot. In view of the drop he strongly advised a stitch and he advised not waiting a week in case the cervix began to open during that time. I have also been prescribed progesterone for the rest of the pregnancy.

M and I spent all day going backwards and forwards at the hospital, collecting pills from the pharmacy, getting blood tests done and seeing the necessary people. We were to turn up the next morning (yesterday) at the labour ward to have the thing put in.

And that's exactly where I am now, on Friday morning. Yesterday was what we commonly call in the UK a c*ck up. First, at the bus stop to get the bus to the hospital I realised I'd forgotten my notes. We go back home and decide to call a taxi. The taxi takes half an hour to arrive. When we finally get to the ward and book in we have a long wait before we are called - like 2 hours. Then, we're shown to a bed and are just putting our stuff down and settling in when the midwife rushes up and tells me I have to leave as I'm an MRSA carrier! She's just been called by the infections department and my name is on some list of infected people who have to be sanitised whereever they go. We need to be in a private room and there are none available at the moment. We're a bit upset... and confused. Where has this come from? It's the first I've heard of it.

Back in the waiting area we think it through. I had a thorough infection screen back in the Spring, I'm fairly certain I'm not carrying this (admittedly lethal) bug now. However, Harvey's birth was caused by an infection and I was told this was the bug S. Aureus, which is the SA of MRSA.

**For those who can't be bothered to read the link, MRSA is a strain of S. Aureus that is resistant to antibiotics and therfore can be lethal if it gets into wounds etc. In UK hospitals people have died from it and there have been big scandals about hygeine. As a result they are totally frantic if it's suspected and virtually quarantine you.**

The midwife comes to see us. It turns out the flag from the infection department has come from 2007 and the events around Harvey's birth. The placental swab taken at that time showed the bug - no wonder my body went into labour, it was trying to save little Harvey from death by superbug! When they find a single room for me I will need swabs taken to check for the bug and also an all over antiseptic wash. I tell her I'm convinced I no longer have it but of course, they have to be safe and cautious.

I must pause now, I'm being prepped for theatre. More after.

2 mm increase!

2009-08-27T04:15:00.000-07:00

This week's measurement was a whole 2 cm, 2 mm up on last weeks. I am pretty happy, at least for the moment.

Current plan is TVUs every week until 20 weeks, then one at 22 weeks, when I have my anomoly scan anyway. What happens after this I have no idea. I got the impression that cervical length checks wouldn't continue, I'm not sure why. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

In other news, I'm presently doing a week-long yoga workshop and getting up super early to attend. It was tiring at first but 5 days in I'm now really into it. The teacher is all the way over from India, so the experience feels pretty special. There are about 160 people in the class (!) and it's taken until now for the teacher to recognise me enough to not tell me to do poses properly when I am in fact modifying them because of the pregnancy. 5 days in and we all know what we are doing now without explanation, which is nice.

Bank holiday in the UK this weekend, so no work on Monday. I'm going to be harvesting fresh sweetcorn from my allotment and catching up with sleep!

The results are in!

2009-08-19T08:42:00.000-07:00

So, cervical length check on Monday gave a baseline measurement of 18 mm, 3mm more than the "critical" 15. When you consider that a normal cervix averages about 30mm, it feels pretty short.

However, I was told during the scan that they would not do anything treatment-wise (and this includes stitch, progesterone, silicone pessaries, ffn tests and whatever else) unless my cervix dropped below 15mm.

She said she'd seen lots of women go full term with a cervix like mine and it was the *change* in the cervical length over time that was important, not the length itself. I.e. does it stay the same or does it move.

My follow up appointment with the wondrous obstetrician Mr M today followed a similar tack. His opinion is that we need to see whether my cervix is dynamic or whether it's going to stay stubbornly at 18mm as the baby grows. So, I'm having weekly TVUs for the next few weeks.

We are very happy with this approach. It's "1 day at a time" and "live in the present". It's not "let's intervene because that's what's worked for some other people". In fact, we've been impressed with the attitude of the medical staff at the hospital overall around the issue. Their thinking seems to follow the conclusions I came to after reading reams of research on the internet: cerclages don't work in every situation and should be used with caution. Cerclages probably don't prevent premature labour in women with a short cervix. There is more than one treatment option and treatment should only be used if necessary, not as a pre-emptive measure.

Mr M wrote the following in my notes:

Unusual case
No appropriate protocol

That's me all over.

PS - Anyone ever heard of the silicone pessary treatment and/or used it?

Not much to report

2009-08-13T06:09:00.000-07:00

After getting quite nervous about seeing the consultant, it was actually over quite quickly. I'm to have a cervical length scan on Monday and then see him again on Wednesday to discuss. If my cervix is really short, it's straight in for a shirodkar stitch.

I asked about cut-off length for this and he said it was 1.5cm - 2cm. So, if the previous doctor was right about the 2cm and if it's likely that my cervix might have even lengthened since then (that measurement was 5 weeks ago), then I'm feeling fairly confident that we will go with monitoring rather than stitch at this stage.

This, honestly, is the route I feel most comfortable with. I am just back to yoga after the first trimester break and I am enjoying communicating with my body again. It feels really beneficial. With the stitch I wouldn't be able to do yoga, which is OK in itself - a few months off isn't going to hurt - but I do feel I lose a connection with what's going on without it. My hunch is that I'd recognise problems early on with a daily yoga practise and I can do plenty of long, closed cervix visualisation!

Of course, I may be proved wrong by all of this but at the moment this is what feels right.

All well... for now

2009-08-07T04:20:00.001-07:00

Not much to report here. I've been away a lot over the last few weeks, mainly out in the great british countryside at festivals with M.

We had our nuchal scan on Monday - all fine. We've now told M's family the news.

The SCH is still bleeding a bit here and there but much less than it was so I'm feeling increasingly less worried about it.

Next stop is next week with my appointment with the hospital obstetrician. I'll fill you in on the results.

Wrong decision on the scan then

2009-07-18T09:55:00.000-07:00

Like, totally. First, I had to wait half an hour for the appointment, I was really tempted to leave but got stuck into my book (I am reading The Watchmen graphic novel, it's very engrossing).

The doctor who did the scan was young, Greek and keen. He did a lot of measurements on the ol TVU to the point where I was thinking it was too much. Again, I should have stopped the whole thing then.

Then he got to my cervix, said it was 2cm (!!!!!). He also said I was actively bleeding at that moment, my external os was open and if I continued to bleed there was a danger my internal os would also open and I would miscarry.

His words were "please have low expectations for this pregnancy". I left his office in a state and in tears.

After I got home and calmed down, I realised what had happened - his rooting around had probably dislodged some blood that was hanging out near the cervix after being released from the hematoma. It's what happened the first time I bled when I rode my bike. The scan had caused the bleeding. His attitude seemed to suggest I should go home and expect to continue to bleed, but just like every other time, there seemed to be one gush accompanied by a clot and that was it.

Panic over.

I spoke to a friend who's mother is a midwife. She said bleeding is more common in pregnancy than you think and the key is to just take it easy for a couple of days. She also said don't accept anything other than completely necessary interventions from now on. I tend to agree.

Re. the cervix length - pretty poor I think you'd agree - I have since read on the internet that you can't really tell the length properly before 12 weeks so I'm ignoring his measurement for now. Let's wait until I've seen my consultant and have the official thing done. It *has* started my thought process on what I aim to do. Current thinking is TAC over TVC or nothing.

All OK

2009-07-17T02:24:00.001-07:00

Happy to report that everything at the moment is fine. I've had only one small bleeding episode in the last two weeks so that seems to be settling down.

I have a scan today - it's not strictly speaking for me, it's one that is part of some research into miscarriage that I agreed to contribute to. I'm in two minds about whether it's a good idea to do it. On the one hand, I am happy to help scientists discover new ways of helping women prevent miscarriage. On the other, it's not that nice feeling like a lab rat and I tend to think things like miscarriage are so intricate and complicated that "what will be will be". It's like planting a load of seeds, some have to fail unfortunately.

Anyway, in light of the bleeding, I thought an extra scan would be welcome so I've decided to do it.

I'm sort of enjoying being pregnant but now at 10 weeks, the spectre of cervix issues is starting to loom. I'm trying to keep in the present and not even think about options until I've had the first cervical length check but it's pretty hard. One result of this is that I've been very selective with people that I've told about the pregnancy. I've only told a couple of friends and my immediate family. M's family don't know yet. I think subconsciously I know that most people are just going to want to talk about how I'm going to approach this pregnancy, what I'm going to do re. the cervix etc etc. I'm not ready to address these issues yet. The second trimester is now weeks away, the scary times are coming and I know I'm going to need support and places to vent my worries then. For now, M and I are enjoying being in a bit of an unreality bubble where I am pregnant and everything is fine and I think we both know that will have to end, just not yet.

Drama resolved

2009-06-18T06:07:00.001-07:00

5.6 weeks today.

I was due to go to the hospital this time next week for a viability scan but ended up in there this morning due to more alarming bleeding. At least we now have an answer. I have a subchorionic hematoma, the bub (who we're now calling Tenacious B) is fine.

Hurrah, I think.

Drama already

2009-06-11T10:43:00.000-07:00

I'm 4.6 weeks today and already there's been a drama. The story goes like this:

On Monday I go to my private health clinic for an early ultrasound to check progesterone levels. The levels look fine but it's obvious I'm spotting so they prescribe Cyclogest* until 9 weeks or so.

I'm not sure whether to take it or not, I spotted on and off a bit in my last pregnancy at this stage and everything was fine so I just ordered it at the chemist and resolved to ask the doctor about it today.

I set off for the doctors on my bike. It's the first sunny day since a whole week of miserable weather and it feels good to be out in the fresh air.

At the doctors I have to carry the bike up some stairs. The doctor says I should go to the Early Pregnancy Unit (EPU) at the hospital for a scan because of the spotting and to ask about the Cyclogest. Since it's not far away, I set off there on my bike.

After half and hour in the waiting room I'm called in for the scan. I feel some dribbling. In the loo there is quite a bit of red blood and I pass a large clot - SH*T! I can't believe it's over already. I am back to the scan room in tears, clot wrapped in copious amounts of bog roll.

Happily, merrily, mirculously, the scan showed a gestational sac measuring 4.4 weeks. Not bad! Scan doctor tells me that if it is a strong baby it will survive the bleeding and it could just be that it has hit a blood vessel during implantation. Cycling on the bike could have dislodged a clot that's been sitting there a while.

I cycled back from the hospital carefully - I walked up the steep hills and didn't ride fast. I picked up the Cyclogest from the chemist on the way. Scan doctor says it won't cause any harm to take it. Back at home, the bleeding slowed almost immediately to nothing and has now stopped completely for 4 hours.

Thank goodness we had only told my Mum and my brother. (Although, on the way into the EPU I ran into a friend - she was there for a colposcopy and cyst - I think it was probably obvious why I was there! It was a pretty stilted exchange of words as I quizzed her about the cyst and then went "right, see you later!")

At this stage, who knows whether we will make it through the next two weeks to see the heartbeat. It's all completely up in the air. But for this moment now at least, I'm still pregnant.

*progesterone booster drug

Road to positive - for the obsessives

2009-06-04T03:49:00.000-07:00

For all those ttc who obsess like mad during the luteal phase (like me), here is my road to a bfp:

CD 6 - go out to the pub for my birthday. Drink too much red wine.
CD 7 - hangover
CDs 9 and 10 - camping. It's freezing. Drink more red wine, primarily to keep warm.
Ovulation any day from CD 13 - 15. Didn't get a positive OPK this month. Can't remember exactly when we dtd but it was several times during this period.
CD 15 - have wine and oysters all afternoon in the sun.
CD 16 - spend 6 hours digging the vegetable patch.
CD 17 - go to Brighton and go out dancing
CD 19 - some cm
CD 20 - have dream that I am pregnant, it's a girl in the dream.
CD 21 - snot-like cm, normal for me in the luteal phase. Usually dries up and is overtaken by brown spotting.
CD22 - slight brown spotting begins, slightly earlier than usual I think.
CD23 - go to Switzerland for the night with M's band. Drink several beers. No spotting.
CD24 - spotting is back. In the evening I have quite a large browny-red wipe. This usually happens in the lead up to AF. I am resigned and disappointed that I seem to be getting an early AF this month.

CD25 - I'm tired and PMSy. I take my temp and it's still up in the 36.78 range, which means I won't get my period that day. One wave of nausea. Brown sludge spotting. Somewhat happy that my dreams seem to let me know I'm pregnant ahead of time but resolve to not get my hopes up as I could just be fantasising.

CD26 - Temp still up! I have a bit of pink spotting and a spot or two of red. I'm disappointed, my period is definitely coming within a couple of days. Still feeling a bit tired. A few dull cramps. On the tube I see an advert for the TCM clinic and resolve to keep a positive mindset and ring them as soon as AF hits. Decide it's not a good idea to rely on dreams for information.

CD27 - Temp still up! Spotting has completely dried up. No CM either. BBS start to feel sore. Tell M that if my temp is still up the next morning, I'm taking a test as my period has been like clockwork on day 27 for several months.

CD28 - Temp still up! Take a test - it's positive! M looks completely bemused but happy. The dream was right after all. Ring my Mum, she's ecstatic after nearly 2 years of no pregnancy.

Now - no CM, no spotting. BBS are somewhat sore and heavy on and off. Feeling a bit foggy in the brain and tired in the morning and evening. If I didn't have the positive test I'd be convinced AF could show at any moment. Haven't had any more nausea. Ring the lovely home birth midwives and leave a message that we are all systems go!

Here's what I've been up to

2009-06-04T03:05:00.000-07:00

Hey! I promised myself I wouldn't come back until I had happier news to report and finally now I do. Here's the background:

January - we went to Thailand. I sat on a beach and realised how down I was but the rest and the sun did me a world of good.

February - I got the results of my saliva test . They were enlightening. Turned out my progesterone levels were fine - text book in fact. It was my oestrogen that was problematic, a bit low at the beginning of the cycle and erratic in the luteal phase. I also had extremely high levels of testosterone, probably caused by stress.

In a way, it was good to finally have a clear idea of the problem. I made an appointment to see the people who had run the tests - a nutritional and natural health practice. At the appointment I was prescribed lots of vitamins and omega oils and also put on a herbal tincture twice a day for 3 months. The tincture contains Vitex, Black Cohosh, Squaw Vine and a few other female friendly herbs.

The results of taking it were immediate - PMS practically disppeared and spotting turned up a civilised 3 days before AF rather than 8. I felt better than I had done in ages.

We get our appointment for the colposcopy to look at my cervix. It's in March and I don't get the results until May.

March - I decide I can't wait till May for the colposcopy results and book in to have it done privately. It costs, but it's oh so worth it - I am given the ALL CLEAR one week after the appointment. Hurrah! I feel better and better each day.

We get a shock. The hospital Assisted Conception Unit rings to say that we are at the top of the waiting list for IVF. We're stunned, it's only been a couple of months since we signed up and it's meant to be an 18 month wait. They tell me they've had more government funding and waiting list times have dropped to 18 weeks. Despite - I suppose - this being good news, we're thrown into a quandary. We're not ready for IVF! I stall the appointment to April.

I have a cycle monitored by ultrasound. As expected, I am ovulating on schedule. Also, the consultant tells me I have "the ovaries of a 35 year old". I'm pretty stunned by this since the hospital seemed to have such a negative view of them. The ultrasound shows I may have a piece of left over tissue in my uterus. It's small and shouldn't cause a problem but I might want to get it sorted out, first step is a SIS procedure.

April - My nutritionist tells me that basically "I have time". She tells me how to slowly come off the herbal tincture and gives me some recommendations for fertility doctors to approach before doing full throttle into IVF on the NHS.

I tackle the stress issue head on by drinking a lot of camomile tea, taking Siberian Gingseng and asking to work from home one day a week. Happily work agree and I immediately feel the benefits of not travelling every single day.

May - My birthday month. Summer has arrived. My calendar is full of social engagements. I take a few days off work and have fun! My plan is to book in for the SIS on CD 1 of next cycle in June. By then I'll be on my last month of herbs. I decide I'll also start to see a TCM clinic at this time and think about a few months of clomid. Or, think about heading straight into IVF.

Today - Positive test. Well blow me down with a feather. Who knew that drinking a bottle of rose on a sunny afternoon would get you up the duff! I would have done that ages ago if I'd known.

Happy new year!

2009-01-07T04:37:00.001-08:00

A happy new year to everyone - let's hope 2009 proves to be a good one!

I've certainly started the year feeling hopeful and optimistic about myself and life in general. A lot has happened in the past month.

I did 3 sessions of hypnotherapy with a lady down the road from where I live. I was in such a funk from all those results and interaction with the assisted conception unit and luckily she turned my whole attitide around. I now have two recordings to listen to on my ipod - one specifically for fertility and one for stress in general. They seem to be helping a lot, keeping my head in the right place.

On the sad side, two close family friends died before christmas, so I had two funerals, the last on 23rd December. I needed a couple of very alcoholic nights out around that time.

And now? Well, I'm keeping on keeping on but in a slightly different way. I've cut down my supplements massively - I'm just taking a fertility blend and an omega 3 now. I'm really concentrating on the relaxing and stress thing. I'm also trying not to surround myself with infertility stuff, particularly on the internet. Hence, I won't be on here much any more. Hey, I'll be checking on you all from time to time but won't be filling you in unless I have something good to report. I've done pretty much all I can and now it's in the lap of the gods. It's time for me to start NOT thinking about this stuff and staying away from my blog is part of that.

What will I be up to? Much of the same - yoga and work. I'm planning a holiday at the moment - either thailand or cuba sometime between now and April. That's it for now.

For those in a similar position to me - I really recommend the hypno - at the very least you feel better about the situation and more able to handle things.

Keep well and good luck all of you - I may well see you in your comments. As Arnie said "I'll be back!"

x

running out of time

2008-12-03T08:41:00.001-08:00

One thing I neglected to mention yesterday was that the doc told me the number of follicles they had seen in my ovaries in the day 3 TVU. There were 3 on each side, making a total of 6.

Having done some browsing today it seems this is not the best news.

So, on the plus side...

- I am ovulating
- My cycles are regular and 1 out of 3 makes it to 27 days long
- my fsh is "ok"

On the neg...

- Looks like I don't have many eggs left
- 2 out of 3 of my regular cycles are 25 days long
- my fsh is on the high side.

Feeling pretty glum about it all today. I feel like I'm never going to have a family in my grimmest moments. In my best I'm just not sure what on earth to do next.

Appointment #2 - the results

2008-12-02T06:36:00.000-08:00

Hi, for the past few weeks I've been attempting to think about anything else but ttc and fertility before we get this appointment (this morning) out the way. I've been to visit friends in Bristol and Sussex, I've been collecting saliva in tubes like a mad woman and I've been spending money on christmas trees and presents. Yes people, it's December the 2nd and I have 2, that's TWO presents left to get. Go me!

So, the appointment. M's results - normal (like we didn't know that was going to be the case). My day 3 FSH - 10.7. Not sure whether to be pleased or horrified. It strikes me as very borderline.

The worst part was having to go over everything that happened with Harvey. Being highly premenstrual at the moment, I cried at the first sentence... the poor doctor. Anyway, it seems they had thought that as I had two miscarriages on my form (Harvey + the chemical) I had a problem that needed investigation. When they heard the full story, they realised I actually could get pregnant and so they suggested I go on the waiting list for IVF.

The waiting list is currently 18 months long, so we need to think about what to do in the meantime. Options are:

Clomid - I brought this up and discussed it with the doctor but I'm not even sure if it really applies to me as I definitely ovulate. I guess it might increase the chances but I'm not really sure. We need to investigate this one more.

Take a work sabbatical and get stress out of my life - keen on this, perhaps going to live in Cornwall for a few months, get back to nature etc etc. There's even a yoga teacher I know down there. It's just a case of M's work and our finances. I'm pretty sure my job would agree.

A variety of other options of herbalists, chinese medics, homeopaths etc etc etc etc. I'm going for my first hypnotherapy appointment on Thursday so that will be another of those ticked off the list!

I'm feeling a bit fragile, a bit unsure and a lot bewildered. 2 years ago life was so simple... after a big New Years Eve night out we decided to ttc, 2 months later we were pregnant and knew exactly where our lives were going. Now I'm treading water in the sea on a dark misty night. I haven't a clue what the right thing to do is or which direction to take. I'm not even sure that "trying to get pregnant" is the right thing to do - surely it's like buses and boyfriends - one comes along when you least expect it? On the other hand, how bad is an fsh level of 10.7, is my fertility even compromised? Should I be actually thinking about getting money together to have IVF done privately now - why wait?

A lot of questions and very few answers but hey, at least my christmas shopping is almost done.

Appointment #1

2008-11-10T09:09:00.000-08:00

Since I got my period on Saturday, I had to ring the hospital and leave a message so they could make an appointment for me for CD 3 or 4. Turns out some doctors work weekends so I got a call back on Saturday and an appointment booked for M and I this morning, Monday.

Typically, I had a new starter at work today and would miss greeting her and holding the briefing meeting. I sent an email to my two closest workmates and explained (briefly) all. It felt quite good to feel that finally, people at work who I see on a day to day level know what I've been through. I apologised profusely for the appalling timing (AF was 2 days early!) and asked if they'd mind helping out. They were lovely and highly sympathetic.

So, off to the hospital M and I trot first thing on a very rainy dark Monday morning. M doesn't usually work Mondays and is still half asleep. We are stunned to find that although we've been asked to turn up at 8.45am, the reception doesn't actually open till 9. We and three other couples sit outside on the steps until the door is opened on the dot of 9. Why book appointments for earlier than 9? It is a mystery. Inside, they have Magic FM on full blast. It's cheesey ballads and 80s classics for the infertiles then! We are told to take a seat and my nerves turn to amusement as Rod Stewart starts crooning "I am sailing" and M raises an eyebrow at me.

For me, the appointment today is standard stuff. A blood test and a TVU scan. We already know I have a normal uterus so no surprises there for me. Afterwards, we are supposed to wait until 11.45am for M to give his sample (they didn't have an appointment before this) but some sweet talking to the receptionist gets him a key to Room 100 ahead of time.

M and I have been sniggering quite a bit about M's sample. Partly because we are juvenile and are looking for laughs wherever we can find them in this godforsaken situtation and partly because we spent most of yesterday watching repeats of Two and Half Men - including the one where Charlie goes to the sperm bank and makes the joke about having sex with a cup. M was not that forthcoming about details after the event itself except to say that the magazines were "graphic" and the room was "depressing". He had more of a spring in his step after we left the building than I did though, that's for sure.

Also today, it's first saliva sample into the freezer. The only thing I have to say about this is that it's not as easy as you might think to make 2ml of saliva on request. I have 12 to do on set days across the month and then send them all off to the lab to get a hormone profile done.

Next stop, aside from copious saliva collection, is our results appointment on December 2nd. I'm considering trying progesterone cream this month anyway - I bought some a while ago on the internet so could give it a go. Anyone with any experience of the stuff, please, do let me know!

Firework night

2008-11-06T02:22:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was a big day, not at all what you'd call "routine" - M got into bed around 6am and whispered in my ear that Obama had won. Absolutely amazing. I got up a little while later and watched morning TV in tears, was just so happy. More tears throughout the day and evening at various news shows online, on the radio and on TV. What can I say, USA - well done!

Last night was bonfire night. The whole country lets off fireworks and lights bonfires. It's meant to happen on 5th November but as this rarely falls on a weekend, there is plenty going on the weekend before and the weekend after, as well as the date itself. Last night was dark, misty and murky and very atmospheric with bangs going off everywhere and fireworks appearing in the sky.

Got home to find two things on the mat:

1) The referral from the hospital assisted conception unit. I am to ring them on CD 1 to make an appointment for the next day or so to have blood taken and have another scan. M also has to give a sample. Then we get an appointment a month later to go over the results. There was lots of forms to fill in and scary info about IVF statistics.

2) The saliva hormone profile test I ordered. Also start this at the beginning of the next cycle. I have to take 12 samples of saliva over the month on specific days, freeze them and then send them off to the lab. Apparently this should show whether I have a hormone imbalance of some kind which might be causing the spotting.

So, we are all systems go.

My period looks like it's coming really early, I am spotting away like mad. I'm only CD23 and I think it will be here tomorrow, my temp dropped 0.2 this morning. Fertility friend said I ovulated on CD 11, which would give me a luteal phase of at least 12 days, not too bad. I thought I ovulated on CD 13, which would put me back to around 10 days, not so good.

Anyway, tests are imminent and in one month we will have a full hormone profile, another scan and M's swimmers tested too. Hopefully, this will get us nearer. I'm making a massive effort of mind control to keep positive by repeating the mantra: "I am going to be pregnant and have a lovely baby very soon".

comments

2008-11-03T05:58:00.001-08:00

They don't seem to be working, not sure why! Will attempt to find out...

meme

2008-10-30T10:06:00.000-07:00

Edit - just realised it's meant to be as few words as possible, OK, single words in italics.

I'm late on this one so am not going to tag on but here's my responses:

1. Where is your cell phone? In my bag by my feet under my desk. Beside me.
2. Where is your significant other? At home, probably working and/or surfing the net. Home.
3. Your hair color? Brown mostly, auburn in certain lights. Sometimes died dark brown. Brown.
4. Your mother? Happily married and a very nice lady. Lovely.
5. Your father? Died 8 years ago of cancer. Dead.
6. Your favorite thing? Sunday breakfast after yoga practice. Breakfast.
7. Your dream last night? Absolutely no idea last night but I've had dreams where I've been chased recently. No recollection.
8. Your dream/goal? live baby (ditto Coggy)
9. The room you're in? The office - quite a pleasant large room with wooden floors, plants and massive windows in West London. Office.
10. Your hobby? pastime? Yoga, reading, surfing the interweb. Yoga.
11. Your fear? Tricky. I do fear death and I do fear trauma too but having experienced trauma I'm sure my fear of it is probably irrational. Death.
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Secure.
13. Where were you last night? At a friend's house having dinner. Friend's.
14. What you're not? Extrovert.
15. One of your wish list items? um, maybe some new yoga gear, mine is looking a little worn I noticed this morning. Yoga pants.
16. Where you grew up? South East England. Kent.
17. The last thing you did? Did some work (yes really!) Blog.
18. What are you wearing? Layers: mid layer, t-shirt, scarf, jeans, wooly hat, orange trainers. It's freezing today!
19. Your T.V.? Massive plasma from M's work. The room is tiny so it's great for movies but not much else.
20. Your pet? Currently cat sitting the neighbours cat while they are on holiday. She is mad.
21. Your computer? Work PC and a laptop. Broken.
22. Your mood? Currently, pretty good all things considered. Reasonable.
23. Missing someone? I miss Harvey a lot but then really, there's not much there to miss. I guess I miss the life we might have had. What might have been.
24. Your car? Citroen Xsara. Dodgy French saloon thing bought off a yoga friend. It's quite fast but is much bigger than my last car so I have mis-judged the parking several times and dented it.
25. Something you're not wearing? Another layer, it's tied round my waist. Layer 3.
26. Favorite store? Howies
27. Your Summer? Bearable - just.
28. Love someone? Many people.
29. Your favorite color? A deep blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? Today
31. Last time you cried? Last night, briefly, at my friends house.

Phew!

brief update

2008-10-30T09:46:00.001-07:00

First of all, thanks very much to all who commented - it means a lot to know you're backing me in my decision to basically ignore the "no pregnancy please" advice and carry on the monthly joy of ttc.

I have spoken to a GP (not *my* GP, there's no such thing in London where we all go to massive medical centres and rarely see the same person twice). On the ttc issue she basically said "up to you", as in, up to you whether you take the risk of things getting worse if you leave treatment for a year. She also basically said it was a tricky situation (thanks, I know) and I should take the letter along to the fertility clinic once I get my referral through and also book in to see my gynae from when I lost the baby. I'm currently trying to track down an appointment with said gynae with a non-responsive secretary.

When and if I get in to see him I'm going to ask for a repeat smear. I'm also going to try and find out what all this might mean for stitches, IC etc etc. In the meantime I am attempting to boost my immunity (a possible cause of abnormality) and live a super clean lifestyle to try to revert those cells back to health.

I am managing this most of the time but frankly, no hot cider in October is out of the question.

Curve balls and other spanners in the works

2008-10-24T01:51:00.000-07:00

What a bummer is all I can say. Was really thinking I was getting past this. Was feeling calm, relaxed and happy about life. M and I were making plans for holidays and stuff we wouldn't be able to do during a pregnancy or once a baby came. Each yoga practice was so chilled I was actually progressing. I felt like I hadn't cried for weeks. Of course, this is the exact moment the universe takes a sharp bend in the road and throws a massive spanner in the works.

My smear test came back abnormal. Holy f*cking sh*t.

OK, before we overreact here (which frankly, I did when I opened the letter - who wouldn't?!), there is a best case scenario here which is quite good. The letter said "minor changes in the cells", they've asked me to come back in 6 months for another test as a lot of the time, the cells change back by themselves. Unfortunately I have been down this road before, twice, the first time ended in laser treatment and the second ended with me losing half my cervix, so hope is a tad thin on the ground. Along with the (admittedly standard) letter came an information leaflet with the following paragraph:

What about sex?
Sex does not make any abnormality worse.... Enjoy sex as usual, but you should use an effective contraceptive.
It is important not to get pregnant until your abnormality is dealt with, as the hormones produced during pregnancy make treatment more difficult.

Are they having a laugh?

So, if I was 25 and in this situation, I would go "cool, no ttc for 6 months till we have the next test." However, I am not 25, I am 38 and in 6 months time I will be 1 year from the big four oh.

A step back.

The best case scenario: It's a borderline result, they are being extra-cautious and all we be fine in 6 months. We stay ttc and am pregnant in 2 months from now.

The worst case scenario: Still bad in 6 months and I have to go for treatment. We stay ttc and am pregnant and have to hold off treatment till after the birth. Actually I don't even know where this leaves me with stitches, TACs, TVUs and all the other fun my cervix might have during a pregnancy.

Clearly I need to talk to a professional. It's CD 10 today and M and I are just about to start the baby-making-athon. I feel like I'm poised on the start line, hyped up and ready to go but someone's just told me I've been disqualified.

Holy f*cking sh*t.

B6

2008-10-14T02:51:00.001-07:00

Seeems to be working. Fertility friend says my luteal phase is currently at 14 days - that's a full 4 days over the last 2 months. For anyone who is interested... I am taking 100mg per day in the evening, together with another B vitamin supplement. (I take the other one mostly because it contains lots of B12 and as I don't eat a lot of meat, I need to make sure I get enough.)

Have also been taking 1000mg of vit C a day, along with a Flaxseed oil tablet and a pre-natal multivit. Oh, and a calcium+magnesium+zinc as well.

I am beginning to think I rattle as I walk down the street!

Small update

2008-10-13T07:54:00.001-07:00

Thanks for all the suggestions - plenty to think about there!

The doctor rang today and said, yes, the hospital has lost the rest of your results (gotta love the NHS!). However, rather than having them done again, she is going to refer me to the hospital straight away and let them do any other tests. Apparently I should have an appointment within two weeks.

I will ask about having the tests on the tubes for sure. I'm also going to try and find out if it might be a cm issue, given that I don't have much because most of my cervix is missing.

One step at a time I guess.

And (half) the results are in

2008-10-10T02:04:00.000-07:00

I really should have known better than to get in a tizz about getting the results. Turns out half the ones from the day 3 test haven't turned up from the hospital. Why only half I have no idea but apparently "this happens a lot".

So, progesterone is 45. Bearing in mind it was taken on 4 dpo, I think that's pretty good - right? In a funny way I'm slightly disappointed, as it looks as if low progesterone is not the cause of the spotting, so no answers there.

Other things like TSH (thyroid), hepatitus, haemoglobin etc etc etc were all normal.

FSH and LH, naturally, were the ones not back from the hospital.

The plan now is for the doctor to check on these and ring me on Monday. If I have to have them done again, then we will catch this cycle as I'm CD 22 at the moment. In the meantime I've been referred to Kings Hospital (big obstetric research hospital in London) to have a chat with the specialist and get on the waiting list for treatment. The NHS waiting list is 18 MONTHS LONG and you have to be at the top before your 40th birthday so I am cutting it fine. The doctor said to get on the list as then no matter what happens in the meantime, I am on it.

Then had a chat to Mum. She said she had the menopause in her mid-fifties so thinks I've got a few years to go yet. She might be right, however, my 20s were pretty debauched so I might have cut off a few years.

So, assuming the FSH/LH also comes out on the normal side the question is - what are the next steps? Where do I go from that point? Pretty stumped at the moment actually so any and all advice welcome!

Big day today

2008-10-09T02:01:00.000-07:00

Today feels like a seminal day. Tonight after work M and I are off to the doctors to get the results from the day 21 and day 3 blood tests. Finally. It's taken ages to get an appointment. For the last week I have been tired, headachey and kind of down - I'm coming out of it now and think that maybe I've just been waiting and dreading this day and now it's here I can relax a bit.

Also, in yoga this morning two quite exciting things happened. First, I got into this pose completely, hands and feet bound, for the first time since I broke my foot. It's a big deal for me - I've always found this pose *relatively* easy, ever since the first day I stepped on a yoga mat, so to lose it was confusing and to be honest, somewhat depressing. It felt like I had regressed back so far, I'd overshot into territory I'd never even been in before. I broke the foot in July 2006, so that's over two years of struggle and frustration with the thing. Now that it is back, what have I learnt. Things about having to go back to go forward spring to mind for a start. Also that every situation does change eventually, things do heal and move on. It is possible to recover.

The other pose I did today was padmasana, your basic lotus. This is one I've never been able to do well and was really just starting to crack it when I broke my foot. I am back into it on the left side only, the right side is still too stiff from bouncing around on crutches. Still progress is progress!

Yesterday I went to lunch with a friend who is due this week. I thought about not going but I like this girl and don't see much of her so thought, what the hell, I'll give it a go. For the first half of the lunch we talked about her and my work. I nearly didn't go in to the infertility thing but eventually did. She was kind and sweet and had helpful things to say but it took every effort from me not to cry and it wasn't that pleasant an experience talking about it. Strangely afterwards I did feel lighter and somewhat unburdened, maybe that's why the poses came back today.

In praise of my Mum

2008-09-25T07:47:00.000-07:00

So last Friday AF arrived, as I knew she would. M was in Spain so I went home after work and opened a bottle of red wine and rang my mum.

Now since Harvey's birth, I haven't really talked to mum about my feelings or anything. We've only ever really talked about getting pregnant again and how long that might take (ha!). When he was born, mum was on holiday, she didn't get back till a good 10 days afterwards. I think she felt terrible about that. She came for lunch as soon as she got back and I showed her photos. She was sweet and lovely and sympathetic but I felt quite distanced. It was like for the first time ever she didn't know how I felt, like she didn't know the right thing to say to make it all feel better.

Suddenly, last week, I had to talk to her. I spilled everything. Every feeling about not getting pregnant and missing Harvey and hating being with my friends who have kids. It felt great... and special. I suddenly felt the support I'd been missing that my friends hadn't been able to provide. For one thing she suggested I see friends without kids - now they are hardly going to suggest that are they?

Afterwards I felt a million times better and immediately contacted friends in the town by the sea where I used to live and asked to visit the next day. 12 hours later I was on the beach. 15 hours later M arrived from the airport. The weather was glorious sunshine the entire weekend. We drank beer and smoked and ate nice food and watched the sunset. I went shopping and bought new boots. It was a perfect weekend.

Thanks Mum! Only you could suggest the exactly perfect thing to do and now I have you to talk to about all the stuff that's going on that I haven't been able to talk to anyone else about. You truly are my best friend.

Hanging on in there

2008-09-18T08:13:00.000-07:00

Still in the two week wait - hurrah - this cycle will be at least one day longer than last month's. It looks like the B6 might be helping lengthen the old LP, which is good.

Still spotting but it has tailed off a lot. It does this most months, then AF arrives. On current form, I'm expecting it to be here on Saturday.

This month feels more like a win-win situation. If AF does arrive, then at least I'll do the blood tests and get answers on the state of my hormones. Progress of one sort or another is a certainty with this cycle, that's all I know for now.

Things are becoming clearer

2008-09-15T03:37:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday, bang on schedule at CD 22, I started spotting. According to fertility friend yesterday was 9dpo but we of course now know that it actually is only 6 dpo. If I last to CD 26 before getting AF, I would have a luteal phase of 10 days.

There has to be a low progesterone issue here surely? It's now becoming very clear why I'm not getting up the duff - I am getting AF before anything even has a chance to get settled!

A "Beautiful uterus" & 5 dpo again

2008-09-12T07:10:00.000-07:00

That is how the TVU technician described mine today. It's certainly nice to be complemented! Other headlines from the pelvic scan:

The uterus, aside from being beautiful, is an entirely normal size and shape and has the right thickness of endometrial lining for that point in my cycle.

I ovulated (yay!) about 4 days ago. This is 3 days after fertility friend put the ovulation so I am 4 -5 dpo today, not 7 as previously thought.

I have no cysts or other things that shouldn't be there (double yay!)

There is some fluid in my cervical canal, which apparently is common in women who've had surgery on the cervix. Not sure what this means or how it might affect fertility, if at all. Anyone with any experience please let me know!

I have a "reasonable amount of cervix" (I pressed for a figure and got 5cm). Certainly enough, from these women's experience of TVUs, to carry a baby full term, assuming it doesn't shorten during the 2nd tri.

However, this was very much with the caveat that the cervix changes once you get pregnant and could shorten at this point, plus at any point during the pregnancy so close monitoring would be essential if I decided not to go for a stitch.

The TVU lady's sister had 2 cone biopsies and carried past 40 weeks to an eventual induction. She thought stitches for women with cone biopsies were often not needed and she gave me the assurance of my suspicion all along: Short does not necessarily mean incompetent.

All in all a highly positive appointment. It does indicate I am ovulating later than I thought and we should probably shift our attempts forward in the month by a couple of days. It also indicates that taking temps and recording on fertility friend does not always give you an accurate picture, particularly if like me you have done a fair bit of travelling, been ill and don't take it at the same time every day. I know, I know, but who wants to set the alarm for 6am at the weekend?!

Ill

2008-09-10T07:35:00.000-07:00

I'm ill again. A cold has been doing the rounds at work and M also has it, which means I do too. It follows a very set pattern of sneezing - sore throat and tiredness - running nose - then finally a good chesty cough to finish it off. At work we spent a good half hour comparing symptoms and decided it was definitely the same bug. Francesca had it first so that's who I'm blaming.

Got up for yoga this morning and stuck the thermometer in my mouth as usual but 2 mintues later was back in bed as I was obviously feeling even worse than I had the night before. Struggled in to my desk late and have sat here doing precisely nothing all day. I'm leaving soon so I can get home before the rush hour.

Not sure what a cold does to my ttc chances. Probably not great as my immune system will be on full alert fighting the thing and needs all the energy it can get judging by my own lack of ability to do anything.

Oh well. Another cycle bites the dust - and it's only 5 dpo! At acupuncture last night she said to me "don't lose hope". Actually I'm doing ok on the hope front (and I seem to have regained my faith from nowhere too in recent weeks). Although I *hope* things will be different and I have *faith* that the universe is progressing as it should I'm actually starting to become more resigned to a life without children with each passing month. This brings up it's own issues - what would I do? Who would I see? Would M want to stay with me if I couldn't conceive and give birth to a baby that lives? I don't know the answers to these questions yet. All I know is that a shift has occurred and I'm now inclining more towards people and places without kids than before. I'm less willing to put up with all-night kids talk at the girls night out and if that means I don't see the girls, so be it.

Did I mention my neighbour/friend is pregnant? Second child, concieved on about second month of trying. She sat me down personally to tell me and then gave me a long list of why the situation wasn't great (need to do a CVS test, money issues etc). I knew this was an attempt to make it less painful for me and although I'm grateful for the thought, really she shouldn't have bothered. I can deal with the stark reality - I deal with it every day!

I'm usually more positive than this. But I have a cold and therefore I am having a grumble. Back to the hot lemon and honey - normal service will resume shortly.

Summer recess is over...

2008-09-08T09:26:00.000-07:00

Hi folks. I've had a bit of a break, I felt like I needed it.

Plenty has gone on this last few weeks and I feel like I've progressed in lots of ways. Here are the updates:

I started cycling again. I decided that sitting in a car in London traffic for 2 hours a day was not good for my stress levels and decided to get back on the bike. I have a Brompton, which looks pretty much identical to the pics on that webpage, except mine is turquoise rather than blue. The cool thing about a Brompton is that you can take it on trains during commuter hours when normal bikes are banned. I bought it when I used to commute from the coast into London to ride to and from the station but I haven't used it much since I moved here. My first couple of rides were during a really hot phase the day after my last post.

I got a Bartholin cyst. Oh joy. The cycling in hot weather gave me a blocked duct and a consequent cyst right where the saddle meets the top of the leg. 5 days after being back on the bike I was at the doctors as I had a large painful lump and didn't feel well. Cue a course of antibiotics and two days in bed with a fever.

I started cycling again #2. After the cyst went down I got back on the bike, only for the lump to reappear. I got off the bike. I then decided my life was not going to be run by a cyst so got back on again. I decided I would have the cyst cut out if that's what it would take. The cyst has not been back since!

I had a long chat with a friend with two children and decided the grass is always greener. She says she envies me as she has had no life for 4 years. I felt better about my situation and resolved to enjoy my life whatever it brings, children or no.

I went to a few festivals and got rained on. The weather in August was rubbish, no sun and a lot of rain. I went to a few shows with M and got used to trudging about in wellies and waterproofs. We did no camping - after 5 days in the tent in the rain in July we couldn't face it again.

I picked berries. I now have blackberry cordial made and elderberries in the freezer waiting to be made into a cold-zapping concoction for Winter.

I continued to go to acupuncture and yoga and obsess about two-week-wait symptoms.

I joined fertility friend and started taking my bbt. I had a wacky cycle from the antibiotics/fever/cyst incident with lots of spotting and a 10 day luteal phase.

I started taking B6 to try and lengthen my luteal phase.

I went to the doctor with M and booked in for blood tests on day 21 and day 3 and a pelvic scan. Day 21 is this Saturday, so it'll actually be day 20 as they don't take blood at the weekend.

I went to Aarhus in Denmark for the weekend with M. We ate, slept and used the hotel bed as much as we could.

Looking forward to catching up with your news.

Spoke too soon!

2008-07-29T02:18:00.000-07:00

Ha! Typical.

I've had a bit of spotting this morning, so I think I definitely spoke too soon. All the weepiness, tiredness, hunger I've had over the last few days must be just plain old PMS, probably combined with lack of sleep from the hot nights. They say it happens when you least expect it and this was definitely not one of those months. Anyway, assuming my period does show up tomorrow or the next day, onwards to the next month. This is the plan:

Start using the fertility friend website.
In addition to green tea, vit B, prenatals and omega oils, I'm adding a daily cup of nettle tea to my diet. If nothing else, a daily cup of nettle tea will give you splendid hair and nails!
One more month of this then I'm off to the doctors to look at my options.

The irony is this blog was supposed to be about a second IC pregnancy. It's looking more and more like an IF blog everyday.

Maybe

2008-07-28T01:50:00.000-07:00

I'll probably live to regret saying this, but I am quietly confident about this month. I've not had an ounce of spotting - the last time this happened it was positive. I know that the acupuncture has been working to help my spotting problem and it certainly has got better over the last few months but it's never been quite this good before.

Also, when I was lying in Savasana this morning after a very hot yoga practice, I had a wave of hunger that was so strong I felt sick.

I have a large and important work meeting to get through tomorrow so I'm doing nothing till Wednesday/Thursday.

Watch this space.

It's a miracle!

2008-07-26T10:20:00.000-07:00

The sun is actually out and temperatures have been above 20 degrees for over a week! In fact, it's currently 27 degrees outside. It's not often we can say "we're having a good summer" in this country, but this year we might just get there.

So, I've been doing summertime things the last couple of weeks. A festival with friends last weekend in Dorset, swimming in the sea, the gardening.

Last year I wrote about friends who had a mirror pregnancy with me. I've also talked about how my acupuncturist thought it would be a good thing to do to meet their daughter, who is the same age as Harvey would have been. Well the other weekend I got home from yoga to find this on the doorstep:

It's an English Oak Tree.

The note that came with it was beautiful and made me cry. They were thinking of us on the year anniversary. They wished us strength and courage. Sometimes people can be so amazing. We're not sure where we're going to plant it yet but I think the cemetary where we had Harvey's cremation will be the first port of call. We want to find somewhere that we can always go back to and visit and that we can tell our children (if we ever get that far) about and visit with them. Our garden is far too small for an oak tree and besides, we'll probably move from here within a few years. If the cemetary won't let us plant the tree, I'm not sure where to go - any ideas?

CD 23 today. I have been in a rotten mood for 3 days now. The acupuncture has cured my spotting and made me dead-on regular so I'm expecting the old witch next week. Here's hoping she doesn't turn up.

Holiday "fun"

2008-07-11T05:06:00.000-07:00

Well, we are back, in one piece, just.

All looked good last Friday, we set off and got as far as Bath before stopping in a B&B (that's bed and breakfast for those that don't know). Next morning we watched with horror the weather forecast on the TV in our room - 60 mile an hour winds and torrential rain incoming to exactly where we were headed. Foolishly perhaps we decided to ignore it and set off. We got to the village nearest to our intended campsite about 4pm, by this time it had been p*ssing it down with accompanying squally winds for a good couple of hours. We decided another night in a B&B was in order.

Next day, the rain stopped and we camped up. The rain then started again and didn't really stop that day or that night. It then eased off to "intermittent" for the next two days before really going for it for a full 24 hours on Wednesday. On Thursday morning we were broken and chose a 2 hour window of dry weather to put down the tent and pack up. Back in London, the sun was shining gloriously.

So, the good points:

We happened upon a local "It's a knockout" competition in the field next door. We got mildly sloshed on Pimms inbetween watching games when we had to dash into the bar-marquee when the rain started. The games included a six man sack race, sliding down a plastic and washing-up liquid covered hill while attached to a bungy rope at the top and attempting to deposit all the water in your container (with holes) in the right container at the bottom and crawling along a slippery log, incased in a moveable cylinder and above a large pool of water/sheep dip. We laughed, it rained, we laughed, it rained, we went back to the tent for a change of socks.

We camped by the river Exe. Gorgeous. On a remote farm with a great farm shop and virtually no other campers.

We saw a lot of Exmoor with all it's associated beautiful views, wildlife etc.

We had campfires and on 7th, Harvey's birthday, we had a massive campfire and sat by it for most of the night.

I bought a t-shirt at the farm shop which has "Exmoor Ales" logo on the front and on the back has "07.07.07 - The Beast is Back" with a picture of a flaming stag. We first spotted someone in one at the "It's a Knockout" competition and wished we had one - now we do.

The tent held up and we did not get wet while in it.

The bad points:

The m*therf*cking weather. Not much cooking outside or sitting outside or doing anything outside. I was absolutely sick of the sight of the inside of our tent by Thursday morning.

Despite a lot of worry and conjecture, the river Exe did not burst it's banks, although it did rise about 2 feet. This, combined with the fact that we'd managed to camp on a relatively high spot of the field, although quite close to the river, meant that we did not get flooded.

Perhaps this was all quite fitting on reflection. The weather was a key part of my memories of last year. On the day I started bleeding and went into hospital (2nd July) London had a freakish hailstorm followed by multiple rainbows in the sky. After that it started raining and didn't really stop. Maybe it would have been wrong for it to be idyllic weather. As it was we had dry weather for the times it counted and were forced to confront the situation the rest of the time. Our relationship will probably be better for having *weathered* (sorry) the last few days.

There was a sense of closure about it all, which was quite difficult at the time and also when leaving the campsite. It felt like by leaving we were leaving behind Harvey and I didn't want to go, despite having no dry clothes left. Now we are back and rested, it feels better and like we have made it past and through and can now turn outward and look forward again.

Man, it's good to back inside a building.

Somerset

2008-07-02T05:04:00.000-07:00

From blossom to barrel. We visited the Perrys cider museum and apple orchards in the village where we stayed for a night.

Glastonbury festival.

Glastonbury at night.

Next stop, Devon.

Gig-tastic

2008-06-25T05:43:00.000-07:00

Apologies for the lack of service recently - there really hasn't been much to report. M has had/is having a set of important gigs so I've been helping with arrangements, listening to band members' prima donna outbursts and cheering along when they do get on stage.

Apart from that it's been work, yoga, acupuncture (yesterday).

I'm on holiday for 2 weeks from Friday. First it's off to Somerset for some of Glastonbury Festival. Then camping I think for Harvey's 1 year anniversary.

Now to catch-up on blogs...

Steep hills and cycles

2008-06-11T01:56:00.000-07:00

After all that wierd PMT (the strongest I have ever had it) AF turned up on CD 28. It has never been so text book in my entire reproductive history! It was a heavy one and I felt a bit low as well. Acupuncture yesterday really helped though and I feel like I'm through it and out the other side.

I was talking with my acupuncturist about what to do for Harvey's first year anniversary. It's coming up fast. I have two weeks off work, the week before and the week after so the plan at the moment is maybe to go camping somewhere remote. I would also like to visit the cemetary though and lay some flowers. Plus we have (as usual!) a gig two days before so will be off to France for a couple of days.

I'm starting to think that I can't wait for the day to be over, I just want to get through the next few weeks without completely losing it if at all possible. I know that first years are hard, so I'm expecting the worst.

As my acupuncturist said, it's all the seasonal reminders that are the hardest. The hayfever I have now and had then. The music festival we went to two weeks before we lost him is now two weeks away. The date itself is blinking neon in my internal calendar like a very steep hill which must be scaled before we can get to the pretty meadow and the nice pub on the other side.

The acupuncturist thought it was possible that I was going to do one whole year before the next one came along. Maybe that's the case. Or maybe I'm just older and it's taking longer. Who knows.

Olive

2008-06-06T07:13:00.000-07:00

Happily, last weekend is long in the past and peace is back in the workplace.

M and I have been looking after our neighbour's cat, Olive, while they are on holiday for 3 weeks. I never had a cat growing up, M had several - by all accounts rather fat ones - and considers himself a bit of an expert. We've been having an amusing time with Olive, she's basically moved in, apart from her food bowl. I've been stunned by the lengths she will go to to get my attention to be let in the back door and the level of her laziness when she can't be bothered to go through the gardens to get back home but insists we open the front door for her instead. M is happy for her to sleep on the bed, as am I, if she didn't purr loudly next to my earhole. She either has to go on his side, down the bottom or out!

I'm CD 26 today and having a bizarre month, which is kind of expected after the chemical pregnancy. I'm trying my best to ignore symptoms or lack thereof until Monday when, if no AF, it's test time.

Friday

2008-05-30T01:55:00.000-07:00

So, today is the day when the pregnant woman at work goes on maternity leave. At 4pm work stops and there is a tea and cakes scenario for everyone in the yard, which is metres from my desk. Several points this week and for the entire day yesterday she has been talking in a loud voice either on the phone or to others in the office about the impending birth. I've got used to the fear it brings up, the reminders, the chain of thought that starts with "I hope it doesn't happen to her" and ends up with "it's unfair that it happened to me". I've been putting on my earphones and switching up the music as soon as it's begun to blot it out and in this way I've managed to avoid at least some of it.

In acupuncture on Tuesday I discussed how I was feeling about it and that I would probably work from home today. I left the session in two minds: part of me thought "she has done nothing wrong, it's her happy day, be pleased for her and show that. Go to the tea and leave early if you must." The other part of me thought "don't put yourself through it, this is hard enough, work from home on Friday." Part of the decision was made for me - turns out I have a conference call till 2.30 so have to be here.

At the end of yoga this morning I sent a message off into the universe asking for the wisdom to know the right thing to do. This is the reply: I ring M on my way into the office, no answer. He rings me back, I miss the call. Finally, I ring him on his mobile, he answers. He's having breakfast at home and deciding whether to go to work. We're having a fun conversation when the home phone rings, he answers it with me still on the line on his mobile, I can hear everything. Yet again, it is some woman from some medical centre somewhere who has looked on her computer and seen that we have a baby that is due a health visit. I hear him say "your computer is wrong, our baby was born alive but died due to prematurity". The person on the other end obviously says "but my computer says...." M repeats "your computer is wrong, this is the third phone call like this, it's very distressing, please amend your details and don't call again". Again there is more back and forth with the general sense of "how can the system be wrong" from the person on the other end and the general sense of "the system is bl**dy wrong, sort it out" from M. Over the other side of London, on the end of the mobile phone, my happy-go-lucky mood has disappeared and I am in tears.

If ever a decision was made for me this was it. Where I had felt "maybe I can deal with this maternity tea, I'll play it by ear" I now feel "this is a BAD day, I'm going home as soon as I can get out of here".

As the singer sings through my earphones at the moment "Things sometimes work out, it all comes out in the wash but if it don't there's no harm done." The weekend starts at 2.30pm.

I take it all back

2008-05-23T03:42:00.001-07:00

Actually been feeling not as good the last couple of days. I'm still calm, I'm still optimistic but I'm also a bit sad. Maybe it's the chemical pregnancy hormones leaving my body, maybe it's doing some yoga again, who knows.

Anyway, I can cope with it but what doesn't help at times like this is the woman behind me at work, who is due to go on maternity leave next week talking loudly with most of the office about who the baby might take after, what a joy it's going to be etc etc etc. F*CK OFF basically.

Not that I begrudge her her happiness, I don't (ish). And I certainly don't want her to go through a horror situation. The less of that there is the better.

It's just that I'm at work. Where I shouldn't have to have it shoved in my face.

Maybe I have done myself a disservice by not telling anyone around me what happened. Some people know but they don't sit in this room. Talk about a rock and a hard place - tell everyone and feel like a sad, depressed leper who people whisper about. Keep it to yourself and have to deal with situations like this.

Sucks!

Acupuncture # 4

2008-05-21T01:58:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my fourth session and time for a bit of an evaluation about how the whole thing is going.

I started acupuncture because I felt that I had "blocks" in my mind that were preventing me from getting pregnant. They were things I'm sure we're all familiar with - fear of the same thing happening again, angst and urgency about getting pregnant. I also felt that my hormones were a bit mucked up... stand by for a small biology lesson... The adrenal glands are responsible for producing a lot of your body's hormones, including cortisol, which helps you handle stress. Losing the baby was of course the most stressful event of my life - I knew this straight away, even going into busy town centres a month after the birth was too much for me and anything even mildly stressful gave me headaches. I'm guessing that I had an excess of stress hormones in my body. Then, in January, probably just as I was recovering from this and edging towards balance again, I had a very stressful period at work. It didn't take much for the stress hormones to reach capacity again, I still had the hangover from losing the baby.

The important point about all this, is that the stress hormone, cortisol, competes in the body with progesterone. They both want to latch on to the same places and if there's too much cortisol, it will literally leave no room for progesterone to get a hold. As we all know, too little progesterone = horrible PMS and infertility.

So, where does the acupuncture come in? Over the last few months I've been doing yoga and psychotherapy and working through some of this stuff but I still felt essentially out of balance. I'm sure, given time, it would all have sorted itself out but I was starting to think I needed to get out of London to allow myself the space and quiet to recover and that felt unworkable with my current job and housing situation. So,I wanted something that was going to push the healing and the rebalancing of all those stress hormones and fertility hormones on.

After session #1 of the acupuncture I had a week of illness, tiredness and tears. After session # 2 I just felt tired but I noticed I was much calmer than usual in the 2ww. At the end of the week I discovered I was pregnant. You know what happened, the baby didn't stick but I just felt happy - something was definitely changing. After session # 3 I was amazed by how positive I felt, how calm, happy and confident all week. Less fraught about everything, including ttc. Now today, after session # 4 I feel like I'm coming full circle, like I'm starting to leave last year behind and am looking forward and entering a new phase.

I don't know if I'll be pregnant this month or next. I know I don't mind as much if it doesn't happen and that when my body and mind are ready, it will. That's what the acupuncture has done for me. It's moved me past the place in my mind where all I could think of was the horror of losing Harvey and the terror of it all happening again to where I'm sorry that it happened and sad that it happened but it's not ruling my world.

When I found my acupuncturist I did some research and I decided that five element acupuncture (as oppose to TCM) was the right method for me. It's practiced slightly differently to TCM and is more holistic. I also rang several different clinics in London and spoke to them about my situation and how they might help. I emailed and got about 8 names which I rang and spoke to. I chose the lady I am now with because she is a fertility specialist and I felt incredibly comfortable talking to her and telling her my story. I felt she really wanted to help me. In the first session with her I felt almost like she was my mother and I was telling her the story and she was going to make it all better. I felt cared for, in short.

The sessions are quite simple and no frills. And it does hurt quite sharply now and again so if you're after something that's not going to hurt at all, this perhaps isn't for you. The pain can be a short sharp ache or sting now and again, that's it. I think it's helping me with the needle thing. After the pregnancy and session in hospital I had been stuck with so many needles so many times I was wondering if I could cope with another pregnancy on that basis alone. Volunteering to be stuck with needles somehow seems to be giving me back a sense of control over that and the thought of the million blood samples, IVs and epidurals to come doesn't seem quite so daunting.

If you're at a place where you're ready to move forwards, where perhaps you feel like you've been at the same place in your grieving for a while and can't seem to get past it, I do recommend acupuncture.

My oldest friend

2008-05-18T05:31:00.000-07:00

Saw my oldest friend this weekend. We've known each other since birth, our parents were (and still are) good friends. His younger brother is my younger brother's best mate, etc, etc, you get the drift. Anyway, he's just done a new video for youtube and I had to post it. I present the wonderful pumpkineater23:

It's a definite no

2008-05-15T02:33:00.000-07:00

I did another test this morning and the line has faded considerably to almost nothing. I'm quite pleased - I don't know if I could handle any more "am I or aren't I" days, it's like the longest 2ww in history.

Yes, I'm disappointed but less than you'd think. I had so much anxiety about whether last year's events had totally messed up my fertility that this represents a major step - I can get pregnant, not everyone has that luxury. It's possible that the cold I had was bad enough to muck things up, I was pretty ill for a few days. Or, it's just one of those things. Who knows. The acupuncture is clearly working a treat though, in just 3 sessions I have had one pregnancy after months of nothing.

I'm still bleeding but I'm now looking forward. I'm treating this as a normal cycle, none of this "wait one month" business before trying again.

In other news, the weather here has turned and we're back to the good old British Summer - i.e. rain. At least I won't have to water the garden. How's that for optimism.

An update

2008-05-14T02:33:00.000-07:00

I haven't done another test yet, but I do think this one's over unfortunately. After I wrote yesterday the bleeding sped up to moderate and this has continued since. I've also had clots and some odd bits of tissue stuff which kind of shout miscarriage. Pregnancy symptoms appear to be less, although this doesn't mean much as I know they can fluctuate all over the place when you have a strong, solid pregnancy.

You would think this would be a heavier than normal period, not lighter. The only thing I can say is it was later than usual, a different pattern and considerably longer - I've been bleeding in varying amounts since nearly a week ago, mine usually last 3 days on the nose.

The plan now is to do another test tomorrow or Friday and then after that on a weekly basis. I'm fully expecting the line to get fainter and disappear completely.

Although I'd obviously prefer this to be a sticker, I'm still very happy. At the very least, this proves that my cervix wasn't irreputably damaged by the stitch/birth and M's little fellas can still get in. It proves that the cervical mucus measures I am taking work. It proves I am ovulating and that we are hitting the right days. It also proves that if you use OPKs and don't get a positive, it doesn't mean you're not ovulating! And by extension, worrying about postive OPKs and LH surges is a total waste of time.

Now, I'm looking forward to getting back to yoga. My body has been shouting "no!" for the last couple of weeks - attempts at sun salutations and poses at home have been rubbish - a couple of poses and I was knackered. I thought it was because I was still getting over the cold I had but clearly there was more to it. I can feel the energy starting to return now and once the bleeding's over, I'm back to the mat.

Thanks for all your kind wishes - next time might be a different story.

Slightly up the duff

2008-05-13T02:38:00.000-07:00

So. After last week's acupuncture I spent a few days feeling really crampy. Then, the spotting I had stopped for 2 days and I thought - yay! On Friday the spotting came back and I went off to the countryside (20 years school reunion!) on Saturday thinking my period had come. On Sunday morning though, it was still not getting going, I was still crampy and I was feeling a bit bemused. Yesterday I had red blood but less than a normal period. I just had an inkling this wasn't a normal month so I took a test this morning - positive!!! However, and it's a big however, I'm still bleeding red, still not as much as a period but I've had a couple of clots in there. I rang the doctor this morning and got this info:

- it's probably not an ectopic but if you get sharp pain on one side go to the hospital straight away.
- it may or may not be an early miscarriage. There's no way of telling at the moment.
- the hormone can stay in your blood for 2-3 weeks so another test is not going to tell you anything until then.

Today is my birthday - I'm not sure whether to get stuck into the wine this evening and on Thursday I'm off to the seaside for the weekend and under normal circumstances I'd be having beers in the sunshine. Not sure if I should do this either!

Very confusing and frustrating. Anyone with any anecdotes or experience of either chemical pregnancies, early miscarriage or periods while pregnant please spill!

Acupuncture #3 tonight, perhaps she can tell me more.

Norway - alright!

2008-05-07T09:34:00.000-07:00

So, after spending two days in bed coughing and spluttering I flew off to Norway with M on Friday morning. As usual, it was a band trip but this time all the WAGS came along (WAGS = wives and girlfriends. The acronym comes from football - Victoria Beckham is David Beckham's WAG. Our WAGS include the girl-singer's boyfriend, who we call Posh Spice!). Anyhow, we flew to Bergen and had an amazing two days. Bergen is right on the West coast: all fyords, clean air and people so good-looking that the word "acne" isn't even in their vocabulary*. We were staying in a nice hotel right in the town centre and near the gig venue. I spent the time inhaling the clean, crisp air and then blowing my nose, visiting the old medieval part of town and taking a funnicular up to the top of the hill for a view of the fyords. Fab!

Here's a pic of the medieval harbourside:

It was my first trip to Scandanavia. I must say, after two days I was ready to come home - my wallet was suffering from the extortionate prices and I was starting to hallucinate that everyone was talking backwards. Brilliant place though and would love to see more of it.

Back in England the weather has suddenly become Summer and I spent the rest of the weekend in the garden pottering about. The weather is still good now - so great to wear open shoes and no coat!

Yesterday was acupuncture #2. This time there were needles in the chest, wrists and feet. She also burnt herbs on me and did lots of hot testing things. Interesting stuff and I definitely feel very relaxed and happy since the treatment. I'm nearing the end of the 2ww - CD 25 today - won't bore you with symptoms or lack thereof. The simple answer is, it feels like it could go either way, but will probably be AF as usual. I care less this month, that's the main thing. Must be the acupuncture.

*This may or may not be true.

Acupuncture #1

2008-04-30T01:46:00.000-07:00

I went for my first acupuncture treatment yesterday afternoon. Unfortunately, I have managed to pick up a bug from the office so I arrived feeling spaced out before anything had even happened.

She was a lovely Scottish lady who has a good reputation for fertlity treatment. She took down some history and then we got on with the treatment. To all those internet users who have said "you can't feel a thing", I say "b*llsh*t". Some of those needles going in were quite sore. We talked about my life and I told her about Orla Rose, who was due (and born) the same week as Harvey and who I have not been able to bring myself to visit yet. She said don't push it, it doesn't matter when you go but also it is a big hurdle and it might allow your grieving to move forward if you do manage to go and see them.

She asked if I was ovulating, I said I'm not sure as the digital OPKs are befuddling me, it's possible I'm not ovulating every month.

Afterwards I felt happy and calm. When I got home I ate some food and then collapsed - was feeling totally exhausted. She had warned me this might happen but I'm also feeling dreadful from the bug so the combination of the two really wiped me out.

Am at home today, typing this from bed. M has gone out to buy lemsip. I am coughing up nasty things in an array of colours. I have cancelled my psychotherapy to avoid going out in the rain.

Faith

2008-04-23T09:56:00.000-07:00

I think the vastness of what losing a child means and what it does to a woman is only now really starting to dawn on me. I know I'm not alone in this not being my first experience of grief - my father's death 8 years ago, when I was 30, was really, really hard, mostly because he died painfully and slowly over the course of a year from cancer. Recovery from it all took 2 years for the first stages and it was 5 before I could really feel "over it". I felt it acutely changing me, I could feel the sense of the base of my world being destroyed and having to build that base again for myself. It felt somehow right that it happened, like I learned from it and moved on to a new phase of my life by going through it, however distressing it was at the time.

This experience though, this is confusing. I've said before how it's a loss of a future and in that could possibly be learned how to live more deeply in the present. There's more to it though. For a while now I've realised that I've lost whatever sense of faith that I had along with my child. It's manifested like this - not saying the chant at the start of yoga anymore (the chant is a couple of sanskrit verses which talk about what the practice is for and about and mentioning some hindu description). OK, no biggy you may think and true, no biggy. However, it represented for me a change from that yoga being about re-affirming that life was travelling in the right direction (as yogis say "everything happens at the right time") to something much more physical. Now, yoga is about continuing to heal that broken foot, helping the IBS, building up my cervix and my pelvic floor.

At first this didn't really bother me. Then recently I realised I've lost something massive and yes, it did bother me and confuse me and has left me feeling like I'm drifting with little sense of why I'm doing anything. I can't see the "why" now and feels at the moment like I never will. I can't see why the person I become from going through this had to come into existence and what it has given me - strength, knowledge, insight, whatever... I used to have a plan B and a plan C and a plan D as well. I used to just "know" that things would work out, that if plan A didn't happen then it would be plan B or C or some other plan that I hadn't even thought of but would be just as good as A, if not better. Now there are no plans and no faith that a plan is going to appear either.

Hey, don't get me wrong, I'm happy enough. I can deal with the odd bad day, I'm used to the babies, the pregnant women and the monthly rollercoaster of ttc. If you saw me out socially, you wouldn't think anything was different. I just wish I didn't feel quite so directionless, you know what I mean?

Good things, mediocre things, bad things

2008-04-21T08:48:00.000-07:00

In reverse order:

The bad: When I was working from home last week a health visitor randomly rang me up out of the blue to say "Is your baby 8 months old now, I need to pay you a visit." Needless to say I put her straight, put the phone down and spent the rest of the afternoon in tears.

The mediocre: The weather. Warmer (thank goodness) but still less sun than ideal. And lets face it, with April's record so far, it could be snow by the end of the week.

The good: A wedding at the weekend. My brother DJ'd and I had the best dance I've had in ages.

The completely uncertain and unsure:

Psychotherapy - I've been offered the opportunity to carry on seeing the therapist after the NHS-provided 6 sessions are up in a couple of weeks. No idea whether I need or want to or not.
Ovulation - incoming. Doing digital OPKs and attempting to chill out. My neighbour came round for a cup of tea on Saturday with her 2 year old, she told me she's trying for another and how it's fairly common that second pregnancies are hard to achieve after an easy first one. All well and good, but oh how much more galling and bitter if the first one didn't succeed. I love this girl, but it will be very hard if she is up the duff before I am.

That, in a nutshell, is life at the moment.

Acupuncture

2008-04-14T09:57:00.000-07:00

So, after getting back from Ireland intending to chill out about TTC and forget about trying for a bit, I've now swung in completely the other direction.

The reason? Another 2ww and AF have yet again hammered it home just how much I want this to happen.

So, I've been thinking about having some acupuncture for a while and today contacted a very expensive but highly successful acupuncture/fertility clinic in London. I'm still umming and ahing about it - it costs a lot - but this guy has such good results that I'm very, very tempted.

It's been over 6 months now of trying, last time it took 6 weeks. I'm 37 and any pregnancy is going to be complicated and tiring. I just want to get on with it.

I don't think there's anything structurally wrong, unless the infection has caused problems I haven't been warned about. I do think that the IBS and grieving are slowing things down. I know that this will heal in time, it will get better and I will get pregnant but I can't help thinking that if I can speed up the process, I should.

If anyone has any experience or anecdotes about TTC and acupuncture, would love to hear them.

The slippers

2008-04-11T01:59:00.000-07:00

For Still Passing Open Windows....

Although mine are quite a bit grubbier than this pair.

A good base, so no problems with slightly wet/stony ground. Fur inside for super warmth. Who wouldn't wear them out?!

Paris

2008-04-10T02:14:00.000-07:00

Been back a week or so now - frankly, getting my head back into work again was practically impossible, I'm just now feeling back to normal and not dreaming of champagne and/or irish stout.

Paris was great. We went on the Eurostar train from St Pancras station in London. It's the new high speed connection to Paris - takes 2 hours! St Pancras has been done up and is all glass and shiny metal. There's "the world's longest champagne bar" - which is obviously where we began our journey.

Once in Paris, we checked in to the hotel (I am missing out the nightmare of negotiating Paris taxis with the amount of luggage and people that M's band travels with) and then M and I went for a classic, cheap and lovely dinner at a little bistro round the corner. Next day it was only coffee for breakfast, a nose round the local shops and then off to change hotels and go to the gig venue.

The gig was fun - it was a buiness affair by invitation only and the best thing about that was the free champagne and canapes (including AMAZING chocolates) that were constantly swirling round the bar. Not something that happens every day, so I took full advantage.

Before we left we visited Pere Lachais cemetary, which was right next to our hotel. It's pretty amazing... Of course, we searched out and visited Jim Morrison's grave (not actually that easy to find) but I think the highlight was Oscar Wilde's. Just an amazing headstone, covered in kisses....

It was one more stressy taxi journey back to Gard du Nord and we were back in London in no time - a great trip all in all.

Since then, it's been work, yoga, work, yoga ad infinitum. I was so tired yesterday that I left the house at 6.15am still in my slippers. I only realised when I was nearly at yoga and didn't have time to go home. I therefore spent yesterday at work and dinner at my friend's after all in my slippers. Quite nice actually, and my work mates thought it was hilarious.

Hope you're all well, will be catching up on blogs!

Flying visit

2008-03-27T08:13:00.000-07:00

Just popping by to say Hi as I have 20 minutes before I need to leave the house.

We got back from Ireland yesterday - had a brilliant time! M's family in Cork basically showed us around and took us to some absolutely beautiful places. Here's one:

Here's the coast we drove around:

Also had a few pints of:

And talked a fair bit of:

Naturally.

We saw the statue that this story concerns from a few years ago. We stared long and hard at it in twilight (meant to be the best light for seeing the apparition) by which time my eyes were watering a bit so it definitely looked as if it moved. M's aunt said "you've to wait till she gives you the nod, then we can go".

M's aunt used to be a midwife - she told me I should just forget about being pregnant for a while, I said that was my plan!

So, we got back yesterday in time for my second appointment with the psychotherapist. It *does* feel like it's helping now, I can see more where it's going and I don't feel quite so vulnerable. Watched 3 DVDs afterwards - I am on holiday after all!

Now, just about to head out to catch the train to Paris with M and his band for a show tomorrow night. It'll be fun, but we won't be on our own much and let's face it - it's not Ireland!

PS - to those this concerns - not sure why it's not working, will check it out when I get back!

Plans afoot

2008-03-18T10:07:00.000-07:00

I have a week's holiday after Easter, so, after this Thursday I will not be back in work until Monday 31st March - yay!

It's going to be a busy 10 days. On Saturday we fly to Cork and spend a few days there with M's aunt. Then, a train to Dublin to see M's friend. Back to London the next day in time for my next psychotherapy appointment. Then, the next day, Eurostar train to Paris with M's band for a show. Two nights in Paris and back on the Saturday in time for a rest before returning to work on Monday. Phew!

Still not sure about this psychotherapy - I'm not sure if coming into contact with the darkest parts of myself is helping or hindering. I'm hoping that over the weeks it will become better and I'll get something out of it, but for now, I'm reserving judgement.

Also, co-incidentally, there was a programme on TV last night about hypnotherapy. It was one of those "I am a scientist and I will rigourously test this alternative therapy until I can either prove it has no merit or be utterly surprised that it does" kind of things. After some very disgusting scenes involving tooth extraction with no anaesthetic, they moved on to IBS and yes, it seems hypnotherapy is useful for the condition. Hurrah. I have it on a scientist's authority now, not that I gave two hoots about that in the first place.

Oh, and AF came. Which at least means I might be ovulating while I'm on holiday, which would be nice.

Psychotherapy

2008-03-13T08:49:00.000-07:00

Began today. 6 sessions over the next 8 or so weeks, then an option to carry on.

What can I say, I'm not sure I learnt anything but I certainly began to unravel a few knots and cried a few tears. I don't feel any better but then I don't feel any worse either. I realise that I do need this though if I have any hope of getting through another pregnancy and keeping M and I together.

Still, session 1, early days.

One thing I didn't know was that if I do get pregnant again, I get weekly sessions and one year of optional sessions after a birth (if I get that far, natch). I think this is pretty good - nice to know I will be able to off load my angst somewhere!

The wonder of hosepipes

2008-03-11T02:42:00.001-07:00

I'm continuing to enjoy the feelings of ease, relaxation and happiness that I've had since the colonic. Unfortunately the colonic has not got rid of the IBS, I am still having pains and I there's no change in what's coming out (or not). At least I am no longer a bucket of stress and anxiety though!

M is back from Italy and overjoyed at the change in me, I think I have been very hard to live with the last month or two. This morning he got a lift with me as his work is on my way to yoga class. He started talking about work on the journey and how I needed to do less. I started to feel stressed and snapped at him. Clearly even talking about work is enough! I felt bad about snapping at him and so gave him a ring after class. He said that he now realises that the following topics only are allowed in the car in the morning: nice sky, nice views, weather, other people's bad driving. The following topics should not be mentioned until safely at the destination: work, holiday dates, money. Ha ha, so right, I love that man.

Yoga this morning was a joy - I'd forgotten how good it can be. The other nice thing about it was I suddenly feel like smiling and acknowledging other people again. For weeks now I have just gone there and kept in my shell, got dressed and left. I've felt too anxious to engage with anyone except the teacher. It's nice to feel back in the world. Normal basically.

I know this is a short-term thing and my first reaction is to feel anxious about that so I am thinking about how I can deal with this long term. I've read quite a bit about hypnotherapy for IBS on the internet, so maybe that will be my next stop if another colonic in a month doesn't sort it out properly. I think it's a brain-gut nerve connection malfunction, just changing what you eat isn't enough to fix it. In the short-term though, colonics will get me through.

So there you have it ladies. If ever you're in my situation, you will know what to do - get that hosepipe up the rear end asap!

Part 2

2008-03-10T09:32:00.000-07:00

So, lots has been going on health-wise.

I didn't go to Italy afterall, a friend invited me over to her house on Friday afternoon for a kind of ladies day and I wanted to go. My best friend S is about to have her second baby and she and a couple of other girls all gathered at this house where we were treated to pedicures and massages from a beautician she knows. Then we ate dinner, drank wine and watched a chick-flick. It was really nice.

I needed it, I have been feeling very stressed recently. So stressed that I was actually feeling like I was about to lose it. I have had this horrible constipation for months now and I had a feeling the two things were related. So, I went to the doctor and he said I might have an underactive thyroid and sent me for a blood test.

The symptoms have all been building up slowly over the last few weeks so that I was starting to feel poisoned by my gut - my skin was breaking out and the slightest thing would send me into floods of tears. So, Friday blood test then ladies day. Saturday I went round to the pregnant girl's house and we chatted. She said forget about ttc, get well first, I've never seen you like this.

M had been telling me to get a colonic so on the spur of the moment I booked one for Sunday. The treatment was fine, much less invasive than I feared and quite calming. After it I felt fantastic, literally all the stress and emotion seemed to have disappeared - amazing! The therapist said she thought I have developed IBS as a result of last summer's traumas and that going back to work has triggered it.

So, the plan now is this. Wait for the blood test results and take it from there with the doctor. I'm pretty sure we're going to get to the IBS conclusion too. Go to my first psychotherapist appointment on Thursday and talk about it then. Tell work I want to work from home at least one day a week after easter to help with the stress.

TTC has gone out the window for now, I need to work out how to deal with this issue as when it gets bad I get so anxious, depressed and stressed that I can't function. And there's no way I'm going to get pregnant with a gut that is poisoning me and stress levels that are off the charts!

First off, let's get this tag out the way...

2008-03-10T08:56:00.001-07:00

The rules:
1) Link to the person who tagged you.
2) Post the rules.
3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people.
5) Be sure the people you tagged KNOW you tagged them by commenting what you did.

No. 1) I cannot enter the house and walk around without taking my shoes off and putting on my slippers (winter) or flip flops (summer). I hate walking around the house in shoes. Ugg. NB since we have a garden, this sometimes does mean I am out there in my slippers - not great in the rain.

No. 2) Talking of gardens, I love them. I like visiting ones that are open to the public and I like planting things and looking after them. I couldn't live somewhere without a garden.

No. 3) One from M - I always tap the side of a pan twice after I've been stirring it, never more, never less.

No. 4) I love going to sleep when it's windy and rainy outside. This is a hangover from when I lived by the coast and it was windy and rainy quite often. It was windy and rainy this weekend and I was out like a light.

No. 5) I never miss an episode of "America's Next Top Model". Sorry. The sheer vacuous inanity of it somehow makes me happy and relaxed.

No. 6) I am pretty scruffy. I have my hair cut twice a year, so it's long and somewhat straggly at the ends. And I never throw out clothes, in fact right now I am wearing a jumper with 2 darned holes and 1 open hole in it that I have had for 15 years. I am trying to be more pro-active about getting rid of stuff I never wear but somehow I still end up being scruffy. I actually feel a bit wierd in smart clothes with lots of make-up on. Number (5) and number (6) must be related in some deep psychological imbalance kind of way but no idea what it is!

Am going to tag:
Shaina

And that my friends is all. I know I am breaking the rules and might now die a horrible and bizarre death on the way home from work for doing so but I think most of the readers on here have already done this one and I don't want to tag twice by mistake!

Well blow me down with a feather

2008-03-04T05:40:00.000-08:00

Just popping in for a brief update while I ruminate on my top 8 quirks as tagged by Still Passing Open Windows. They will be posted soon I promise! I asked M what he thought they were, he couldn't think of many and does now seem to be observing my every move, which is a bit unnerving.

Haven't had anytime to blog, or read blogs - last weekend was very busy with parental commiments on both sides. So last night I ordered THE LAP TOP - yes, the expensive, top of the range, just out in the shops, light as a feather (1kg!) lap top. It will be in my hot little hands tomorrow and I will then be able to blog till the cows come home from the comfort of the sofa.

On the repro front, as I've had 30 day cycles for the last couple of months (ever since starting the vitex actually), I only started doing the clearblue digital sticks today, CD 13. Waited till after midday and blow me down, a little smiley face on the first one! I've also been using an ovulation microscope, where you dry a drop of your saliva out and look at it. I think (*think*) I had a positive on that today too.

So, full steam ahead for the next two days before M shoots off to Italy on Thursday.

The other big thought I've had recently is about having a TAC. I've been really anti the idea of this treatment - it's so invasive - they go in through your stomach to put it in and then it's caesareans from then on. I think the recovery from the initial operation is hard too. I had kind of decided it would be a last, last resort. Anyway, I've been thinking recently - whatever it takes. On the plus side, I'd have more of a normal pregnancy once it was in - not as much need for bedrest and restriction of activity. Yes, a caesarean, but there are worse things, some people choose to have them anyway!

I'm rambling. None of this is an issue yet, I'm definitely putting the cart before the horse. And my lunch hour is over. See you soon... with quirks!

Tag

2008-02-27T04:37:00.000-08:00

Very hard this one - have spent 24 hours mulling it over! Anyway...

My top 6:

1) Christophe Lambert - in Subway

I liked him in Greystoke and Highlander too but in this film he's particularly fine: scruffy, blond and quirky. Also it's in French, which is always a bonus. Here's a montage obviously put together by an even more avid fan than me (warning: quite long):

2) James McAvoy in Shameless -

you ladies from across the pond will probably not know of Mr McAvoy's first forays onto our screens but I was hooked on this series and gradually realised how utterly gorgeous the young man was.

If you've seen Atonement, you'll have seen this, in it's more polished form. Here he is in a scene with his real life wife (unfortunately)...

3) Everyone's favourite dark haired boy -

I then hit a bit of a stumbling block until I came up with...

3) Jason Lewis

4) Bobby Gillespie from Primal Scream can do it for me when he plays live -

5) And on a similar dark, angular note, Daniel Day Lewis ain't half bad either...

6) Last but not least... Christian Bale -

- especially if he wears the bat-suit.

Goddaughter, SIDS, AF

2008-02-22T01:49:00.000-08:00

A couple of quite intense days. I've now worked out that AF is arriving bang on the full moon each month, which does make sense. In my yoga style we take off the new and full moon days and also the days of AF, which produces a rythmn in the body and often means you end up with AF on either the full or new moon. Consequently, ovulation is likely taking place at the new moon, which means... yes, I have been out by a few days after all.

So, CD 2 today and back into the preparation for next time. On Wednesday night I went to supper with my friend Ia and her two daughters, one of whom is my goddaughter. May I just say that my goddaughter is a gorgeous little minx! Check her out:
After supper we went back to Ia's flat and sat and drunk wine with her sister, who is a super-fertile with 3 children and thinking about a 4th at 40 and also a clinical psychologist.

It was a great chat and I felt a sense of coming full circle. I've known Ia and her sister for a long time. About 5 years ago, when Ia was pregnant with my goddaughter I lived with them for a bit when I was sorting out my life. Ia actually was pregnant with twins - the other, beautiful twin was also a girl called Maggie. Maggie was going to be my goddaughter but she died of SIDS at 3 months. It was an awful, awful time as I'm sure you can imagine. So now I am goddaughter to the other twin, having known Maggie and will be able to talk about her when she is older. She was a sweet and gentle little baby. Ia's sister was obviously around through all of this and she was also someone I saw when I first got pregnant last year. I haven't seen her since so our conversation was full of her saying how sorry she was and what happened and how to approach getting pregnant again. She suggested taking temperature as this is how she does it. I am drawing the line at that for the moment but am going to:

-Use the clear blue sticks again - and stick (ha ha) with them this time.
-Use the saliva microscope I was given, tried it out this morning.
-Go to Italy for the weekend over the new moon because M has shows there and if I don't go we might miss ovulation. The flights will be an extravagance but surely it is worth it to not miss a month?!
-Carry on with vitex, epo, folic acid, etc etc etc.

Talking to Ia's sister reminded me of how much fun it can be to track ovulation if you're of a scientific bent like her and myself. You can treat yourself in a detached, curious way as if you're the subject of an experiment. Obviously this is not up everyone's street but I remember last time, this is the attitude I had and it was kind of fun.

So yesterday was the full moon lunar eclipse, the exact event that was around when I got pregnant last year. It really is full circle this week. Maybe now is the time we can begin again.

Vitex

2008-02-18T02:47:00.000-08:00

Today I'm CD27 and all the signs are that AF will be here tomorrow. This month has felt quite different to the last few however and I'm putting it down to the fact that I've been taking Vitex everyday for about 5 weeks now. So, what have the effects been?

PMS has all but been obliterated - I've never felt so calm and serene during a 2ww. I've had one irrational outburst at M and a few tear wellings at soppy television but none of the angst and anxiety. Other symptoms of PMS seem to have reduced too - heaviness, cramping etc, has all been there but it all seems to be a lot less intense.

My skin has been dreadful - I've had more zits on this 2ww than any other I can remember. I am in fact currently sporting a very fetching "3rd eye" zit that refuses to disappear.

Spotting has been more than usual at some points but I think probably less overall.

Everything seems much more regular, things happen when I expect them.

So there we go - I recommend vitex if like me, you are liable to turn into a crazed banshee with a blood lust for the male species about 10 days before you're due. Or if also like me, you watch and analyse every symptom so closely that by the time your period rolls around you are so self-deluded and paranoid that you can barely function in the normal world.

The only downside is it's not great for the libido. I'm doing one more month and then easing off a bit.

And so the wheel turns

2008-02-16T06:28:00.000-08:00

Last night M told me that his band have been asked to play a particular show in June. They played this show last June too and it was just before it when, looking back, things started to go wrong. I had gone for an appointment with the consultant at the hospital, he said everything seems fine, we'll see you at week 36 to take the stitch out. They did the usual urine test - clear. Next day (a very sunny hot one if I remember rightly) I went for a routine appointment at my doctors - it was a medical as I had changed doctors and was just a formality. They picked up something in my urine, did a swab and said they would call within 24 hours if I needed to come back in. They didn't call and I went off with M to the show.

We spent three days away doing the show. A day or two after getting back I started to leak and a few days later I was in hospital. Not long after that I had given birth.

Turns out the bug they picked up in that urine sample at the doctors was the one that caused the infection that ultimately meant I had to be induced. I'm still not really sure what triggered the PROM. It might have been the trip away - poor ignorant me didn't know that too long on my feet and hours in a car might be bad for me. It might have been this infection, weakening the membranes. Maybe I just had a classic placental abruption and the contractions to get rid of the blood broke the membrane, with the infection just a side, opportunistic issue.

Whatever, I may never know. Thing is, this particular bug didn't respond to classic obstetric antibiotics. Also, I'm allergic to penicillin, which complicates things a bit. It was only after the event that they got results back from the lab saying: Staph Aureus, give her erythromycin. Now I am highly familiar with erythromycin. It's a power-house of an antibiotic that you can take if you're allergic to penicillin. Some years ago in the Phillipines I got a cut infected on my ankle that turned very nasty, the infection started moving up my leg towards my body and it was only because a norwegian holiday-maker-doctor on the island knew the name of the antibiotic I could buy over the counter and take that I managed to stop it. I was lucky basically.

Anyway, I went to the doctors after I got released from hospital and I said - was the bug you found Staph Aureus? They said yes but it was in such small amounts we wouldn't have done anything anyway. It's a bug present on your skin, it could have just been a glitch that we found it in your swab. Yes, it's present on my and most people's skin every day but if it gets in an open wound - IT CAN BE LETHAL. They found it in a swab, from a place where I had a stitch for godsake.

Oh how hard these lessons are. If there is a next time, I will make sure that any abnormal result is completely followed up. If they pick up something again - I want erythromycin *before* the thing takes hold and ends my pregnancy - not after.

Not only that. I am seriously considering splashing the cash and going private. The National Health Service is a f*cking joke.

So, when M told me about the show, I was a bit freaked. He said - we don't need to stay for the whole thing, we'll go just before, I'll do the show and we'll leave.

I'm not sure I'm going at all. I so want this to be a different year, not the same thing again, please.

The importance of self-belief

2008-02-13T01:58:00.000-08:00

Something happened yesterday. I was reading my usual 2ww accounts of symptoms and bfps and came across one lady who said she was advised "when you believe it can happen, it will". I remember the last pregnancy having no doubt at all in my mind that I could get pregnant, I didn't even entertain the thought. Since Harvey's birth though, those doubts have crept in -

what if the infection permanently damaged something
what if my cervix is now so scarred that nothing can get through
what if I'm too stressed now
what if I'm not fit enough
what if I'm too scared and am subconsciously preventing it
what if I'm too old
what if
what if
what if

Yesterday, I had my first thoughts for a long time that I could get pregnant, I really started to believe it. I'm not sure why or how this happened, it just did. And this morning in yoga, my hands were a little bit closer in supta kurmasana and I had the same sense of belief that I could, in time, manage to do that pose again rather than the sense I have had till now that this is where I am now, this is it, just live with it.

It feels like real progress.

Just read about this

2008-02-06T01:01:00.000-08:00

Such a sad, sad loss. I hate it when I hear of it all going wrong because of a stitch infection. The stitch is meant to help people like us but in cases like these it ends up being the cause of the problem. It's so, so hard. I'm so sorry for these people.

Don't let flu put you off!

2008-02-06T00:14:00.000-08:00

It's been a funny few days. I'm CD 15 today, since CD 10 I've been doing the clearblue digital ovulation test sticks. Days 10, 11, 12 I got a negative. Tomorrow, I think, will be positive. Day 13 dawns - also a negative. I worry that I am not ovulating. At work I start googling and discover... using the first wee of the day is totally the wrong thing to do and I should be using a mid-morning or early afternoon one. Using the first one will most likely give you a negative whatever your hormone levels.

So, I message M and tell him that we are on, on, on baby and I got it wrong. M has a function he has to go to that evening but says come along and we'll leave early together. Sometime between then and the end of the day, the flu strikes. I get to the function feeling like I've smoked 20 reefers and simultaneously had a large blow to the head - out of it in other words. I hover near a comforting wall nursing a water and wish I was in bed. Everyone at the function is chatting and excited, there are a few celebrities there and free champagne. All I can think about is might be ovulating and I have the flu. At 7.45 I can take it no longer and go home by myself.

M turns up in a taxi a few hours later a few sheets to the wind (apparently everyone he left behind is several more sheets to the wind and he did well to get out while he could). We wonder about the effect alcohol on the male side and flu on the female side will have on fertility. We decide to go for it anyway - or try to go for it. Acrobatic, deft film-sex this most definitely is not.

Next morning I feel like I have been hit by a sledgehammer and can hardly open my eyes or get out of bed. Work is definitely not happening. The neighbours are starting their loft conversion next door so I ring my Mum and ask if I can come and sleep at her's for the day. M says he'll drive me but before we go we decide to have one more attempt before I descend into a world of duvets, lemsips and wet tissues. The attempt, frankly, is more accomplished than the night before but takes the last piece of energy I have left. I arrive at my mothers in my dressing gown and slippers, groaning weakly.

It's now the next morning, I feel better-ish. M stayed last night, squeezed over the other side of the bed to try to avoid infection. My mother and step-father are squirting stuff up their noses to keep the germs out. Everyone has now gone to work. It's time I went back to bed.

This time last year was about the time we got pregnant with Harvey. If you keep your eye on astronomy, you'll know that there is an eclipse this week and another in a couple of week's time. There was an eclipse last year too. The weekend before the Monday I found out I was pregnant I went out on my bike and watched it from the beach. In astrological terms, eclipses bring change. I think it would just be too, too weird if it all happened the same way again.

Hips - who needs them?

2008-01-30T03:33:00.001-08:00

Yoga this morning was hard. One of my hips is agony at the moment and any wrong movement moves the pain into the knee, which is bad. I'm having to be very careful on one side of my body to avoid this and some poses on that side I can barely get into at all.

At the same time, I'm crying a lot (still!). Today I think I've finally got a soupcon of insight into it all. My poor old body, what a lot it has been through.

Operations on my cervix - one of which, the cone biopsy, had me driving myself to hospital in the middle of the night 2 weeks after it as I was hemorraghing blood from an infection in the wound.

Broken foot - 3 months in plaster and 6 on crutches.

Cervical suture - let's face it, a spinal block is perhaps one of life's most unpleasant experiences (or it is for me anyway).

Pregnancy, induction and birth - we've all been there, to one degree or another.

This is not self-pity, plenty of people go through much, much worse. But putting it all down together does make me realise that perhaps I'm holding just a small amount of negative feeling towards my body. Perhaps I think it let me down. Perhaps I hate the weight that I gained. Perhaps I miss being able to do an effortless supta kurmasana and every time I come to -not- do it on the yoga mat the distrust, dislike and frustration with my body comes rushing to the surface. Perhaps I feel so much dislike towards my self and my body, and blame myself so much for what happened and those emotions are getting stored in those areas and those areas are now stiff and hurt.

So, all this crying, on the yoga mat, at home, at work even, I hope it represents progress. Sometimes it doesn't feel like it but I hope it does because I really want to have another go but I don't want to be paralysed from fear and anxiety when I do so because then I won't be able to make the decisions I need to make with a clear head or give myself what I need.

Yoga + counselling - I'm going to do the 2-pronged attack and see where I end up.

Decision made, action taken

2008-01-25T08:31:00.000-08:00

Today I contacted the specialist midwife at the hospital where I had Harvey to ask about some counselling. It's time I think. It's not that I need help dealing with the death - although that's not easy - it's more the ttc issues and the terrible low patches I am hitting around each period. They seem to be getting worse and worse. Actually, I think I just need to talk it out. My brain is so full of questions and fears, I think I need to express them to a professional who can guide me through the labyrinthe a bit. Friends have been great but really, they're all mothers with young children who couldn't possibly understand. M is also great, but male, and as such just wants to fix things and make me feel happier - which he does, a lot, temporarily.

I think I just need to express the vast paradoxes of emotion contained in this experience to someone who can tell me it's normal and also perhaps point me towards a way out. I've had counselling before, when my father was ill. I was on anti-depressants for a short while and I had weekly sessions that really really helped. It was the kind of counselling where you just talked. At first I remember not much coming out but then the complexes of thought and emotion started to unravel, the memories started to surface and each session became a massive offloading. I don't know what this one will be like - I think it's a psycho-therapist, which might be different.

Anyway. 6 months it's taken to get to the point where I realise I can't go on as I am and I need to talk to someone otherwise a year from now I'm going to be depressed and will have wasted a lot of time mulling things over in the dark instead of getting it out and getting on with life.

The midwife was great. She's an understated Irish woman who knows the right time to crack a gentle joke is when one is about to burst into tears on the phone at work. The psycho-therapist should be calling me next week to book a first appointment. I'll let you know what happens.

Have a good weekend everyone. I'm off to make the most of AF by having a few beers at The Royal Oak, M's favourite pub which is his old local haunt. It serves real ale and proper home-cooked food and has no music. It's full of oldish men with large bellies and strange facial hair. Not quite an elegant ladies venue but great if you know the locals.

Time feels like it's running out

2008-01-23T09:26:00.000-08:00

So this year I'm 38. If Harvey had lived, we might have started trying again this year and I might, *might* have been able to have two children.

I just can't believe I'm in this position of facing the last 2 years of my fertile life.

My grandmother had my mother at 40, so I know we do have a chance.

All the same, today I feel terrified that that was my chance and I blew it. I'm scared now that I'm not going to get another, let alone two.

False alarm

2008-01-23T02:01:00.000-08:00

So, after two mornings of getting up to some spotting but then nothing the rest of the day, I decided that this morning I would get up, go to yoga and see if that kick-started things - it sometimes can.

At 5.45am I had put on the coffee but in the bathroom the spotting had got worse. This is it I thought. So I went back to bed. No yoga with AF.

It's still not here full force, the fat lady hasn't sung yet but she is definitely tuning up and doing her scales.

One positive - M is back safely (on Quantas via Singapore - good flight but bad food apparently unless you order the low fat option). He arrived early yesterday morning and then attempted to stay up the whole day to get back into our time zone. He made it till about 9.15pm by which time he was starting to babble nonsense so took himself off to bed where he promptly passed out diagonally across the bed.

I told him I thought I might be pregnant. He was disappointed this morning when I said probably not.

So, not quite CD1 today, but nearly. B*gger.

Still no P, or M!

2008-01-21T01:57:00.000-08:00

Update: still no period, although after doing some yoga this morning I have had a fair bit of spotting, so it could well be starting. Who knows.

Still no M either. Just looked on the airport website and his flight is delayed 5 hours. He is going to be shattered!

edit at 3pm - I've got the date wrong, M has just rung from Singapore, his flight isn't in till tomorrow morning. No testing today then!

Pee emm ess

2008-01-20T03:05:00.000-08:00

What a bizarre week this has been. Initally, I was rocking - yoga was fun, work was busy but also fun. About Thursday everything changed... PMS kicked in in a bigger way than it has (or felt like it has) for a few months and I slept funny one night and woke up with a very sharp acute pain down one side of my neck that still hasn't gone. Yoga didn't get rid of it and I couldn't so some poses because I couldn't move my head!

The PMS combined with continuous pain put me in a very bad mood. I was holding it together but extremely grumpy and tired by Friday evening.

The girls came for dinner last night - G, S and N who I've known for 25 years, we went to school together. S and N are both pregnant, 7 and 4 months respectively. G has 3 kids but is divorced and a single mum. It was lovely to see them, it's rare more than 2 of us are together at one time. We can talk for Britain, all that history we have. S and N actually live very near me so I see a lot of them, G less so. At the end of the evening only S was left. S was there with me at Harvey's birth, she told me that she'd found out she was pregnant just before coming to the hospital to sit with me and how unfair it had all seemed. I cried, a lot. She gave me massive hugs. I told her about how hard it was and how anxious I was about getting pregnant again and what a mixed blessing it was. She was very wise. She said there was only so much I could do - making the decision whether to have a stitch or not was difficult but whatever route I decided to take, there were no guarantees. To a certain extent, any pregnancy was going to be in the lap of the gods and I could only control some bits of it - there probably would be no right or wrong decision about the stitch, what I decide will be the thing that feels right for me at the time and even if it all goes wrong, it wouldn't mean I made the wrong decision. We decided I had to stop thinking about it, stop reading academic papers and weighing up the pros and cons of TAC vs bedrest, Mcdonalds vs Shirodkar, preventing infection. I had to take each day 1 by 1 and deal with it. Any pregnancy was going to be a series of baby steps.

After she left, I felt absolutely blown apart. It was the most crying I'd done in a while and it was carthartic. I slept like a log. I'd forgotten how much talking to a sympathetic ear can heal.

So, after all that PMS and crying, my period hasn't turned up yet. No biggie, I'm in the slightly early zone of the end of my cycle, but the last couple of months it's been here on CD 26, today. I've been spotting on and off for over a week, as per usual. In fact it's followed exactly the same pattern as the last couple of months. I even bought a digital ovulation test yesterday for next month, so sure was I that it would be here today (thanks for that tip Coggy).

You know what these things are like though, the minute I go out and buy a test, it will turn up. I'm doing nothing, except going to my Mum's for lunch so she can take my mind off things. Tomorrow M will be back from Australia and if there's a test to be taken, we can do it together.

And January continues...

2008-01-15T05:57:00.001-08:00

An ace post over on Coggy's blog today - sums up so much of what I think we all go through to varying extents.

With the work thing, I was lucky in that I got full maternity leave because Harvey was born alive. I don't think that's the case with still births in the UK. I took 3 months off and even then it was hard going back. I still wish I wasn't here.

As for TTC. There is this tension between wanting it so much and then seeing friends with babies moaning and grumbling about the lack of sleep/money/social life and wondering what does it all mean? And will it make me happy?

Probably not.

As for the present, I am symptom spotting (CD 21 today folks) but things are progressing exactly as the last three months so no hope there. I am working hard and doing yoga every morning. The weather is appalling, continuous wind and rain so in the evenings and weekends I'm slobbing out big time next to the radiator.

Thinking of upping the TTC efforts a bit - getting some vitex and ovulation sticks. It's been a few months now.

Where's the exit

2008-01-11T04:15:00.000-08:00

Something a bit tricky from me today but I think I need to cover it.

Previous to this experience I'd never been able to comprehend the notion of suicide. Then, after this experience I kind of understood. It's not that I've never had tragic events in my life before, I have. It's just that this particular event seemed to bring on the kind of "life's not worth living" feelings that didn't come at other times.

Maybe it's because our primary drive of existence is continuation of the species. And if we fail at that, we've failed at our primary task. My biology degree taught me a lot about altruism and how families act to ensure the continuation of their genes, even if it's not themselves producing. I don't think we can help it necessarily, it's hardwired in.

So, occasionally I'll be feeling low and that low feeling will be dragging and heavy enough to bring on these kinds of thoughts - DON'T WORRY! - not in any kind of way that is dangerous, I know that thoughts are temporary and pass and I'll be fine again in a little while but these kinds of feelings were new to me and in a way, I found it interesting.

One manifestation of this was described here, I was sinking at this point and my breathing was slowing right right down. I didn't really care whether it stopped altogether and almost wanted it to, the idea of release from the whole thing was very enticing.

A friend of M's jumped from the attic through a hole in the ceiling this summer, with a sheet around his neck. There was no warning of this, he seemed a happy chap with everything to live for. Clearly, inside he was in a lot of pain. The shockwaves it sent through the community of his friends and family were indescribable, massive and destructive. I don't think anyone will be the same again.

The effect of making this kind of choice is so hard on those you love, I could never do it. But I do now have a slightly better understanding of why people (mostly young men by all accounts) choose to end their lives.

Whatever our situation though, there is always something to live for. If we don't (pro)create in the conventional sense, we'll create and nurture some other beautiful thing into being. Our lives can have meaning that is as important and as fulfilling and perhaps the silver lining is that you have the time and motivation to find and produce that thing and that wouldn't happen if you did have children.

I guess, in a nutshell, it's life doesn't always go the way you want but it's a good idea to make the best of it - for your own health and sanity.

That's all. You are perfectly within your rights to chastise me for a morbid post on a Friday. Normal service resumes next week I promise!

How on earth did we cope...

2008-01-10T06:16:00.000-08:00

... before Skype? And google maps for that matter.

Today I have had a long involved messaging session with M, talked to him on the phone and seen around his hotel in Sydney via webcam, including waving to all his bandmates. All for £0.

Amazing.

Even though I do work in the digital world, it still amazes me.

Still positive

2008-01-09T01:45:00.000-08:00

Back to yoga class this morning - actually with a new frame of mind. You'd have to be a yoga nerd to really be interested, so I won't go into it too much but it kind of relates to the post I did a couple of days ago. I went in with an attitude of "however much yoga I do is OK" and "I'm doing this to heal my body and mind and get fit in mind and body". At the end of the practice a thought popped into my head "everything is going to be OK".

I feel more relaxed about it than I've ever done. 3 times a week, 0 times a week, 6 times a week - what does it matter as long as I'm doing what's right for me at that moment.

Work is beyond busy, am up against it for most of January. Hopefully there'll be some respite after that.

M arrived in Sydney safely - amazing to think he's now in 30 degree heat and sunshine.

CD 15 today - the 2ww has begun. Not much hope though I'm afraid, I just don't think we did it enough this month unfortunately.

Also, am toying with the idea of a tattoo for Harvey (I have one already). No idea what it would be so I'm not going to push the thought process, but if an idea comes to me that feels right, I'm off to the parlour.

The year starts here

2008-01-07T05:15:00.001-08:00

First Monday back - the year proper starts here.

Work is busy, M is off to Australia tomorrow morning and I'm looking forward to a couple of weeks in the house on my own. (After 10 days of course I'll be fed up with it and desparate for him to come back but for now I'm looking forward to having the whole bed to myself and full control of the remote.. mwahahahahah!)

CD 13 today. No idea whether I'm ovulating or not but I'm making sure M and I have a good go at ttc before he leaves after a romantic dinner tonight. Then it's up at 6.30 to drive him to the airport near my work.

I feel like we are OK. I really do. We seem to be talking through things and working things out, we seem to be getting through it and getting closer. At the weekend we took down the christmas decorations and revamped the house a bit. We went for a bike ride and made nice meals. It was fun. I even got M onto the yoga mat - he travels so much that having a few poses to get rid of the stiffness from long hours in a bus/plane/train would help.

I feel positive and I feel excited about possibilities. For now.

Snuggle

2008-01-04T08:09:00.000-08:00

I was far too warm and snuggly in bed this morning so utterly failed to get up and do some yoga before work. Instead, I brought my things in with me and used a spare meeting room in my lunch hour. It worked very well! Our office is actually very cool about things like this, not long ago we had a yoga teacher come here to do lunch time sessions once a week, so there are even a few spare mats knocking about the place.

It's a funny old business the regular yoga practice. Up until breaking my foot and being forced to take some time off it due to being in plaster, I used to get worried all the time about how much I was doing, how often etc etc. The style I do is quite traditional - you're meant to do 6 mornings a week, every day except Saturdays, full moons and new moons 52 weeks a year. This is all very well if you're living in a small indian town with no responsibilities, not so easy when a little thing called *life* gets in the way. Not only that, small Indian towns tend to have a fairly even, warm climate with regular daylight hours all year round, not the wild swings we're used to in the UK. Which begs the question: why not arrange your life and surroundings so that yoga is possible, easily, 6 days a week, 52 weeks a year? i.e. move to India (/Thailand/Mexico etc etc). Which tends to beg another question: Should yoga be your life or support your life? Many people do move to India, or elsewhere, become teachers and spend their lives travelling the globe, moving to the next hot place when the winter arrives, 6 months here, 6 months there. Many people meet partners in the yoga world and join forces to live the life together. Many people have home lives without family, or friends for that matter.

Not so I. I used to struggle a lot with this one - the pull to do yoga full time and in a highly committed way was so strong but then the pull from my life was equally as strong. I think I've realised now that you can't necessarily have both. You have to choose your path. After a lot of to-ing and fro-ing and lack of commitment in anything, including relationships I decided that I was not going to spend my life deep in meditation and trying to perfect the leg-behind-the-head pose. I decided that I was going to take a normal path, with a normal job and commit to the man I was with (M). M and our life together was going to come first. What does this mean in practice? It means I don't get hung up anymore if I miss a couple of weeks practicing yoga over christmas. Or a couple of months from breaking my foot. Or having a baby. I don't get hung up if I eat meat occasionally, or go to a party or a festival and get drunk and smoke a few cigarettes. I know that the yoga always comes back and I will always find time for it if the urge to do it is there. But sometimes, the urge to do yoga is there and it has to be let go because other things take precedence, like pregnancy, or lovers, or friends in need.

The nice thing about this of course, is that I always have a plan B. If it all goes wrong, if I never get pregnant again, or fail to have a live child or split up with M or any of those things, I can always become a yogi-monk type person and spend my spare time meditating and reading books rather than child-rearing. It does give me a certain sense of security.

All this does lead me on to something else I wanted to talk about but for now, enough. Snuggle in deep those of you in winter, may your weekend duvets be thick.

x

Getting back into it

2008-01-03T02:43:00.000-08:00

It was *slightly* easier to get out of bed this morning. However, I do still feel somewhat like a hibernating hedgehog during the hours of darkness (currently 4pm - 7.30am). M is fully in winter mode - staying up quite late and then sleeping really late too. He must be getting a good 12 hours a night at the moment. M is off to Sydney Australia next week for 10 days. He will be in hot sun throwing frisbees on the beach while I am tucked up with the electric blanket on at 10pm. I will surely have my revenge when he has to return from Summer and head back to Winter just when he'd got used to it. At the moment I just wish I was going too. It's heniously expensive to get there though, and besides, I used to live there so it wouldn't be that much of an adventure.

I did manage a small amount of yoga this morning, just some gentle warm up and a few sun salutations. Tomorrow maybe I'll do a bit more. By this time next week I should be getting up at stupid o'clock again and heading off to the studio to practice. Quite looking forward to it actually, it's been a while.

New new year

2008-01-02T03:26:00.000-08:00

A happy new year to you!

I am back at my desk in the fresh new world of 2008. I'm not feeling that fresh and new unfortunately - getting out of bed this morning after 2 weeks of monster lie-ins was very difficult.

Christmas was one long session of eating, drinking, sleeping and watching James Bond on the television - classic in other words. I actually had a very nice time, despite the appearance of AF on boxing day.

Now, about this year. This time last year M and I were lying in bed discussing how this year we'd go for it and ttc. Two months later I was pregnant. I'm kind of in the same position again, thinking of getting fit and healthy after the christmas excesses and getting my head in the right frame of mind. It all feels very different though. It's like this year is totally unwritten, I don't know what's going to happen and have very few goals beyond the obvious. M's band is taking a bit of a break this year too, usually we'd know by now that we'd be going to this festival or that country. I've done bit of reading around astrology for this year and two things spring out at me. The first is that pluto is changing signs in January, this doesn't happen often. The second is that last year was a 9 (in numerological terms) and this year is a 1. Last year was about culmination, this year is about new beginnings. It feels a bit like that, like starting again with a completely new situation in place, having to take baby steps and wobbling a bit till the territory becomes more familiar.

So, basically anything could happen. All I hope for is a better year than last year. One without quite so much tragedy would be really, really welcome.

Light at the end of the tunnel...

2007-12-21T05:36:00.001-08:00

...literally. The Winter Solstice is tonight at 22 mintues past midnight.

The pressure eased off work about 4 o'clock yesterday afternoon. I drank a strong coffee about 11am, shot through a couple of meetings, worked over lunch and by 4pm I was down to a small list of things to finish off today. Simultaneously my mood improved immeasurably and M and I got back on track.

Last night we went to the house of one of M's band members for a christmas party. We had mulled wine, hit the donkey with the stick game and pass the parcel to the sounds of Michael Jackson (I haven't played this since I was a child and frankly, it was hilarious as an adult). Got home by the perfectly reasonable hour of 1am and was in work by 10.30 this morning.

As seems to be the norm in my cycle lately, I had a drop or two of brown spotting yesterday. I'm CD 20. I also had a bit of cramping. I'm glad that christmas is in the middle of this two week wait as I'm unlikely to obsess (quite) as much as I do usually. I'm allowing myself half an hour of googling this afternoon and that's it.

Happy solstice to all of you. The longest night is here. I hope you spend it with those you love, I certainly will be.

x

Party party

2007-12-19T09:17:00.000-08:00

It was our office party last night and I actually had a brilliant time! I did drink but managed to be relatively restrained (couple of glasses of champagne, 2 vodka tonics and a baileys when I got home) so I don't feel too bad today... in comparison to some of the wilting moaners around this office.

The party was at a club venue nearby and there was a free bar, a carbaret singer, raffle and Wii bowling and tennis on a big screen. I had decided that Wii is definitely the way to go for a modern party game, until M told me that our friend is hiring Wii kareoke for new year. In contrast to M's shining musical ability in all areas, my singing voice is dire.

Another positive: my christmas shopping is finally done. I've bought absolutely loads this year but can say with some certainty that it is finally over!

On the negative side, I've been feeling a bit cranky and upset. M and I haven't been getting on as well as usual. Maybe it's the christmas stress. I just can't help feeling that this is the christmas that should never have happened. I'm meant to be nursing a small baby now and enjoying the prospect of showing him off to grandparents , aunts and uncles. Instead I'm battling to finish work before Friday, bickering with M and going over lists in my head.

Why is it that work always seems to get 100% more busy in the 2 weeks before christmas break? It builds to a peak on the day before with everyone panicking that January and February are going to be too busy unless we get everything done NOW. What should be happening is nice relaxed days with long lunches and frequent breaks for mince pies followed by early home time. Instead I'm doing overtime trying to get everything done.

Still, two more meetings tomorrow, one project plan, three progress reports and numerous discussions and emails to go by 5pm Friday. Then I'm outta here. Friday night we're going to a friends for a traditional get together. Then on Saturday I've got a wedding. If I'm still standing on Sunday it'll be final prep before heading off to M's parents on christmas eve and mine on christmas day.

You see. Because I'm writing here I have transferred the list from my head to this blog. I think I should stop now, switch off the computer and go home and have an egg nog, whatever that is.

Meme me up

2007-12-17T04:53:00.001-08:00

There's a few things I want to post about at the moment - lots going on with christmas approaching like a frieght train but first of all:

The wiki entry on meme says it is a term coined by Richard Dawkins. Although I like the idea of memes and read the Selfish Gene when I was at university (I did biology), nowadays I'm not so keen on Dawkins. Too dry and dogmatic for me, not to mention close-minded and probably egotistical as well. Anyhow! Such issues should not distract from the fact that I have been "memed" by the lovely ABF.

1.) State the name of your blog, your real name or your online name, and link to your "about me" page.

The name of my blog is Stitched up for the second time - it's called this because I anticipated talking about my times with my second cervical stitch. The fact that I am not yet pregnant again and don't have a second stitch doesn't really matter at the moment, but this may become an issue if we are still here a year from now. Alternative blog name suggestions gratefully received. My name is Sam, not much about me here and it does say that I work in accounting, which is not the case. I am a project manager of multimedia software production.

2.) Say you want to be profiled on BlogHer as a family blogger and link back to this Me and Mine 100 original post, here.

OK, done. Although like ABF, I'm not entirely sure I am a mum or have a family (apart from my smelly younger brother and my own mother). I think we all kind of exist in this suspended grey area, somewhere between heaven and hell perhaps.

3.) Tell how long you've been blogging.

I've been blogging since October. I needed a way of documenting my feelings about my loss once I'd returned to work after maternity leave. Also, my case is not standard incompetent cervix and I hadn't met that many people who were dealing with the same issues. I hoped the blog would be a source of information for some and a way for me to meet others in the same situation. Happily everyone I have met has been nothing less than a rock of support.

4.) Pass this meme on to three other bloggers that you think should be profiled/interviewed, and ask them to do the meme. (Kindly link to the bloggers you select.)

The first one is Of course you'll get pregnant! Always a source of amused positivity and currently pregnant, I enjoy this one when I need a lift.

Second is Carole at As I See It, because she really gets it and she also appreciates the slightly off center side of life.

Last, Meg at the.para.graph because she's been through so much I don't know how she's still standing, but somehow she is. Plus she is a brilliant photographer and her blog contains loads of lovely photos of her life.

I do feel a bit like a horrible chain letter propagater passing this on - apologies if anyone doesn't like it!

Mais ouis.

2007-12-11T10:19:00.001-08:00

We got back from France late on Sunday night after a 6 hour ferry ride from hell during "storm Issac". Waves so high you couldn't actually walk on the boat it was rolling so much. Luckily, none of us puked, but it was close at times.

Even though I've been back 48 hours, the school French still keeps popping out and I am tempted to say merci beaucoup and salut! to all and sundry. So much prettier the French language than English I'd say but maybe that's just because France and all things French are just so exotic to us simple brits over the water. Take hats for example. I bought three on the trip and got given another so I came home with four new utterly brilliantly gorgeous hats. I've bought 2 hats in 10 years dans l'Angleterre.

Other purchases include the obligatory cases of red wine for friends and relatives and several varieties of smelly cheese for my mother's christmas table. M bought a pair of speedo swimming trunks - he wasn't allowed to wear the shorts kind in the local swimming baths. I thought he looked very hunky in them actually, if a little circa 1970.

Having this break was a good move. I've now got precisely 8 more days of work to go before the christmas holiday begins. I am feeling relatively calm and collected preparation wise and know exactly what I need to do when. At this stage of the year I am normally approaching breaking point as work gets busier and busier and I lose track of everything I need to do. And of course, this time of year isn't easy for everyone. In fact, I'd be tempted to say it's hard for most. A lot of death happens in December. My own father died on 6th, the date came and went while I was in France. It felt OK, it was 7 years ago. Over those 7 years I've learnt to cope with rubbish christmasses. I tend to expect little, get the house looking really twinkly - I am a sucker for fairy lights - and make sure I have plenty of plans for things to do, even if that's sitting on the sofa watching dvds and eating cake.

It's a time for going easy on yourself I'd say, being gentle and getting through it as best you can.

France

2007-12-05T11:22:00.001-08:00

I'm in France. I'm in the dressing room of a venue somewhere near Rennes. M is here doing some shows and I've come out for a few days.

I logged on in a few spare minutes and am absolutely gutted to hear this news. What can I say.

Thinking of you and anyone else dealing with this at the moment.

Sometimes life absolutely sucks.

Supplement me up

2007-12-03T06:35:00.000-08:00

Was lying in bed this morning, waiting for the house to heat up and drinking a cup of tea when I read over an old diary entry where I listed out the best supplements to take during a cycle. Since I'm now CD 2 (AF being irritatingly predictable and arriving like clockwork on Sunday), I've decided to give my body extra umph by popping a few pills.

Here's the list:

AF - ovulation: evening primrose oil. Go easy on vitamin C.
ovulation - ?: stop the epo, replace with B6 and vitex. Magnesium for bad cases of PMS.

Since I am also taking linseeds twice a day at the moment, along with bucketfuls of dried fruit and herbal tea I am going to turn into a walking health food store before too long.

Not sure how I'm going to manage all this through December, the party season has already begun it seems. This weekend I went to a friend's birthday dinner and party on Friday. The Natural History museum for ice skating, lunch and another birthday on Sunday and then a pub to watch my brother dj last night.

When I mentioned to my mother that "too much alcohol was not a good thing for getting pregnant" and "what am I going to do over christmas" she said she'd never heard of such a thing and most conceptions took place in an inebriated state anyway.

She does have a point. Maybe I should just forget about it and have fun. While remembering my evening primrose oil, obviously.

CD 24

2007-11-29T02:03:00.000-08:00

Crikey am I feeling the PMS at the moment. I spent yesterday in a near catatonic state after yoga, at points I had my head on my hands asleep at my desk! Now I know I do get up at a ridiculous hour of the morning by most people's standards and it wasn't like I had an early night the night before but usually yoga will give me a nice energy boost and see me through. Not so yesterday. Spent the day googling symptoms - utterly useless willpower I have, I'd promised myself I wasn't going to do this anymore!

This morning's yoga practice was incredibly hard. I am bloated and tired and I was really feeling it, every move felt like a big effort. I purposefully had an extra long relaxation period at the end and staggered out of there expecting to feel similar to yesterday when I got to work.

Actually I now feel quite sprightly, which is a bit mysterious.

Spot-wise, it does seem to have eased off. Although one might think this is a good sign, I've looked back over my notes and exactly the same thing happened a couple of months ago. I fully expect AF to be raging on Saturday, I'm only CD 24 today after all.

Finally, the icing on the cake of my surprisingly positive morning is that E is back on the msn board after 3 long weeks in hospital. Welcome back E! Her cervix shortened from 2.6 to 1.2 very fast but she's now out of the woods at over 28 weeks and on strict bedrest at home.

Hope everyone has a positive morning - whether you're pms-ing, on bedrest or toiling away at a desk like me. x

Out damn spot!

2007-11-27T02:54:00.000-08:00

CD 22 today and I've already been spotting. Both yesterday morning and today I've had spotting on waking up. B*gger. As much as my mind wants to believe that it *could be implantation bleeding* (hahahahahahahaha!) I know that spotting means one thing and one thing only - AF is going to appear in the next couple of days.

M made me a massive dinner of pasta vongole last night, with an expensive bottle of white wine and chocolate cake to follow. It was lovely of him and delicious but that vast amount of food so late in the evening meant yoga was an impossibility this morning. As a result, I am even more PMSy than ever.

Oh well, I didn't expect to find out this early that this month is a bust but I guess in a way, the sooner we get it out the way, the sooner we can get on to the next one.

Meh.

More news from K

2007-11-23T08:02:00.000-08:00

K, who I mentioned a couple of posts ago, has emailed with more news today. It seems that she began having contractions and ended up in hospital. When they measured her, her cervical length was less than 1 cm. How absolutely and horrendously nerve-wracking! Yet again though, I have to say congrats to K because she is back at home on bedrest with baby still in. They gave her drugs to stop the contractions and steroids for the lungs and told her that ideally she will make it to 34 weeks (she's now 31). Apparently stenosis from the scarring on the cervix is what might be keeping the baby in at this point. Every cloud has a silver lining I guess. So, fingers, toes and everything else crossed for K for the next few weeks.

Today I'm feeling chilled as I've taken a day away from the rigours of London traffic to work from home. As is usual, I've managed to get shed loads done, the quiet of home means I really manage to focus. And no journey home through the Friday traffic - joy! Instead, an appointment with the reflexologist to see if she can sort out my stress levels and hence my (ahem) slow bowels. Nothing like a good foot massage I say!

The cherry tree in our garden is looking beautiful at the moment - gorgeous reds and golds and the weather has been cold and sunny. It's already getting dark now at 4pm. On the times I haven't been focussing on the intricacies of software production, I've been staring out the window at the tree.

Roughly CD 19 today, so the 2ww has well and truly begun.